I was doing some reading  of one of my favorite BDSM authors, Jack Rinella. His new book “More from the Master” is excellent! I’m sure to comment on it again. In a chapter entitled “Daddies & Sirs” he speaks to an acceptance of others inherent in our BDSM culture that is the epitome of health in relationships.

 “And therein lays the beauty of Leather folk.  We don’t agree
  and don’t have to. We are free to explore our own relationships
  and define them as best suits us and our partners.” p. 109 

On the surface this sounds like any other two people, kinky or vanilla. Then notion of ‘being free’ is who we are as a people, its part of our being.  And it’s important to note here… it IS just a notion.

Free? Well, not so much.  What is considered “normal” in popular culture is really co-dependent. “Normal” marriages/families are beset with co-dependency, a denial of ‘self’, a denial of desires, and a tacit agreement to pretend there are no agreements. That’s right; we the kinky folk really do know how to do this relationship thing right…which doesn’t mean that we always do. 

Jack goes on: 

 “What matters is that the relationship between Dad/Mom and
  Son/Girl satisfies the men and women in that particular relationship.
  And it is just that: two people relating for the reasons personally
  defined and meaningful to their authentic selves.” Pp. 109-110

So not only are we more often much clearer in our defining of roles, power dynamics, communication, etc… AND…unlike more traditional/normal relationships, we are honoring ourselves. 

“So Jim, are you saying that in our popular culture It is more normal to NOT honor ourselves?”

Exactly.  You see, unlike our majority counterparts who have tacit agreements to not be intentional and conscious about their agreements… We are intentional; we are or at least work toward clarity in relationship.  We want to be clear about who has power, authority and control and when. We want to be clear about what we want personally and sexually, we strive for balance of self in relationship, talking after scenes or regularly to insure each person in the relationship is getting what they need… at least ideally.

We live among the majority, we have all been there. In that world I help men, women and families to move toward the kind of healthy dynamics that we in the BDSM community consider normal. Way to go folks!

20 Responses to “BDSM Relationships- More Healthy Than Many”

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  2. Jim says:

    Hi Carla,
    Thanks for the note… and please visit again :)~!

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