One of the ways I meet new people and potential playmates, dates and more, is to cruise the list of attendee’s and potential attendees first or the groups of interest I belong to. Then, when I find a person or three of interest, I seek them out, introduce myself, and well, and then we’re past the screening.  It’s really much the same as the “sales funnel” concept.  You start with a larger number of people, and as your ‘hot prospects’ get hotter, they move from the top of the funnel to the bottom.

            So on a particular evening I may browse 50 names…that’s different that 50 profiles… I start with those I’m looking for! Subs, slaves, attractive playmates, potential friends. 50 possibilities just turned into 15…that was fast.

So I’ve picked 15 candidates, I read their profiles, maybe some of their writings.  I screen based on preference.  15 have just turned into 7 possible candidates. Normally I read all (or much) of these 7’s profile, browsed their pictures, their writings and have ‘screened’ them through their presentation of self via their writing, through the particular lenses of my preferences. When I see words for me that are red flags: switch, brat, seeking man under 30, man of color, etc…

**Really, why move forward at all if one doesn’t even meet the most basic of criteria!  Opt out, move on!!!!  Really, the ground work beforehand will save you much embarrassment.**

Writing:

            More often than not I write the person before a meeting. I include a greeting, my general sentiments of interest and then What Specifically about them or their writing appealed to me…and why!  Too often I hear of folks greeting others with:

            “Hey, I saw your profile, you are hot, and would you like to chat?”

Or lacking even more sentiment:

            “slave I demand you write Me and submit”…

Right… If I had a dollar for the number of complaints I hear about such greetings…..

OK….

            I’ve done my homework, reviewed folks. I’ve sent the ‘mail’. Sometimes, I get a response. In the last 7 I sent, I got 3 responses. Average for me. Two people are a bit distant, one is local. More screening.  The 50 original candidates are now down to 3.

            Reading responses, gathering information. One person agrees to send pictures and disappears from existence.  (That leaves 2 candidates) One person continues to write, we are still getting to know each other. The local person, a slave seeking a Master writes a mish-mosh of things back that are a bit hazy. I’ll share a bit of that below. To stay in the flow, there is now only 1 candidate left, 3 hours away.  I’m hoping conversation will continue and open to the possibility they will not.

            So, with 1 candidate, and my enjoyment of cruising and connecting, I’m sure I’ll be on for another round of meeting play partners, lovers and friends! In other words: screen, screen, screen…repeat.

Continued screening:

            Email conversations/phone conversations: another vital aspect of screening.

Slave candidate picks 2 points from my profile and suggests because they are my preferences we are not a good match.

Ok… I have been known to be a bit of a social autistic, and I do allow for a “what the fuck are ya stupid” trigger. Her response elicited both…how fun. She also adds this, now keep in mind, this is a slave writing:

 

You’re very forthright in your approach and appear interested in individuals seeking a trainer or those desiring some form of instruction, which is in opposition to what I desire

Now this comment hit my “are you fucking serious” trigger.

Do you know any slave that does not desire instruction? To be trained in their Master’s desires?

So, I asked her: are you serious?

her response:

While my demeanor is restrained and noticeably polite, I believe it is fairly clear that I’m seeking something altogether different than what you’re offering at present. I wish you much success in your pursuits. Have a pleasant day.

My response:

restrained and polite may be fairly clear for many… as a linguistic savant, fairly clear is always a bit hazy 😉

Totally clear always works, thank you…

I too wish you success in your pursuits.

This is an example of 2 flags, the first- “restrained and polite”… to me, this means beating around the bush, being vague, not taking responsibility for your position and hoping the other person gets your message ‘nicely”. Nice is nice, polite is polite, honest is honest, and honest with respect is clear, not hazy.

Another communication issue helping to halt the search process nice and early.

Potential sub/slave: Maybe I could visit Chicago for a couple of days before I depart, Sir?

Me: You say: “Maybe I could visit Chicago for a couple of days before I depart, Sir?”

Maybe you could. I say: Yes, make your plans; I want you to visit Chicago for a couple of days before you depart. give Me a few date/range options for your travel and stay.

prior to that we will correspond a bit more via email, then talk.

I ended with giving him some basic directions.

Potential sub/slave: Maybe I could Many thanks for your response, Sir.

I was thinking of a weekend later in …(deleted for identity protection) I shall check rates for a couple of feasible weekends and get back to you, Sir.

I appreciate your direct manner, Sir. Very much and I look forward to getting to know you better.

We corresponded some, then he dropped out of site. Then he wrote with some variation about wanting to try to come, I challenged him:

ME: slave boy….Notice the difference in your two sentences:

First:

“I shall check rates for a couple of feasible weekends and get back to you, Sir.”

Second:

“I’m still trying to see if time/money will permit me to visit Chicago later in January.”

The first is definitive… the second is wavering…

So… I imagine: you checked rates… you either can or can’t afford it, let’s not kid each other. Time/dates- how much time do you really need to fly here?

Sir Jim

Potential sub/slave  This is a big turn off. Best of luck to you, Sir.

AND GOOD THING!!!

This slave is turned off by being confronted on his wavering verbiage and backed off.  VERY GOOD!!! 

            So you see, ruling people out, or them ruling you out, really does help you to get closer to what you are truly seeking… and that’s what you really want!

Hello fellow sadists and all other curious folks.

The emotional laden predjudice of words keep so many folks from expressing the magnificant parts of their selves. Sexually and personally “kinky” folks… folks who indulge in the BDSM lifestyle are much more open and inclined to embrace parts of their selves normally deamed “bad/wrong” by parents and society.

Despite the ‘labels’ of bad/wrong around sadism that exist today, multiple images and celebrities emerge and are held up as icons as a result of their sadist nature so vividly displayed on the silver screen… and in our living rooms.

It is incomprehensible that a nation and culture can celebrate sadistic hero’s yet popularly deny and wrong sadism and masochism as practices. Yet, there it is.

I’ve included a couple of my favorite sadistic torture scenes with a bit of narrative.  Enjoy…

Dirty Harry- Scorpio paid to get a beating… wanna play?

One of my two favorite scenes from Dirty Harry… The First:  “Do ya think  you’re luck punk…” and the scene above. 

Dirty Harry has been a cultural icon since  (or likely even before) the first “Dirty Harry” movie in 1971.  Toys, movies, gun replica sales, video games etc… sore worldwide. 

So what’s the facination with this tough guy who doesn’t like to follow the rules and get’s a non-chalant sadistic pleasure from his brutal job?

And what about Jack Bauer.  If you have any sadistic tendencies at all, watch the show 24.  In March of 2007 CNN ran a news story entitled: “Is Jack Bauer teaching torture to the U.S.”.  Human Rights organizations have fought to have “24” banned from television as a “Prime Time Torture Project”.  I’ve included an excellent torture scene provided by one of these organizations… Thanks 🙂

The show “24” ran over 8 seasons for 192 episodes and won 20 Emmy awards.  Popular??  VERY!! 

We sadists get a bad rap… go ahead, I dare ya, tell 10 of your ‘vanilla’ friends or business associates that you are a sadist… or to be safer, ask their thoughts on sadism… then: watch their emotional reaction/s, listen to them… do you  notice where it stirs them in uncomfortable places?  Well, if you are a sadist, you’ll like the show!

Enjoy the short clip, embrace your sadism… have some fun… With safe, sane and consensual permission of course.

Jack Bauer Tortures…it\’s just the way it is

 Wikipedia: Sadism is the derivation of pleasure as a result of inflicting pain or watching pain inflicted on others.

 Merriam-Webster: delight in cruelty

 Sadism gets a bad rap… It gets a bad rap because it’s one of those “things” in our culture that we “civilized” people are not supposed to have.  Much like many other traits, characteristics or emotions, at some point in history our larger societal values have deemed certain things good and certain things bad.

But that doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.

We live in a culture supports denial of self.  Early medical professionals and psychologists supported this with the idea of “ego”… that part that needs to develop to keep all the crazy, primal urges and emotions in check.  Well, maybe.  But we intelligent know it all humans decided WHICH urges, emotions and traits were considered “good” (the ones’ that promoted civility per some definition) or “bad”…the one’s many humans thought were scary.

Back to sadism.

I am a sadist.  I get pleasure from watching pain being inflicted or inflicting. I own this about myself. 

Now, if you ask the average “Joe”… are you a sadist, he or she will likely look at you, exclaim loudly: “Why of course not!”… all the while wondering why you would think THEY of all people could be a sadist.

But what about football? Hockey? Wrestling? Boxing? Full Contact Fighting MMA?  Not to mention the innumerable television shows and movies are making millions of dollars that depicting violence, torture, and murder. 

Did you know that in the show “24” there are repeated brutal torture scenes throughout the entire 8 seasons?  And the show won 17 Grammy nominations! 

SO: a show that vividly shows torture over and over lasts 8 seasons and wins awards:

Football is one of the most watched sports in history. And, I must mention: who do you know that goes to Auto Races that is not waiting for the big crash!?

The Origin of the word “Sadism” according to the International Scientific Vocabulary is from the Marquis de Sade, an admitted sexual sadist and writer. Have you ever seen the movie “Quill”? A great depiction of the Marquis in relation to the high demand of his work.  You see, his work was ‘officially’ banned by the government, yet was very popular and widely distributed to the ‘civilized people’.

The maintenance of “image’ related to ego has long become the guiding principle in your culture. Keeping up with the Jones’s, doing the “right” thing; buying the right house, car, dog food… Our culture provides ‘acceptable’ outlets for these urges…

Of course, as long as they’re not ‘really’ talked about…it’s ok.

I urge each and all of you: own your desires, own your urges, call it what it is… stop hiding and come out and play!!!

Authentic Relationships: Kinky Folks Lead the Way!

Authenticity in relationship is something that you might hear any and every couple talk about as important.  Well, there is that thing about talking… and then there’s the doing.

     Average American couples are beset with co-dependent patterns that are anathema to authenticity. .   Refer to writings on co-dependency by Pia Mellody, Charles WhItfield Ph.D., and Karen Horney to start!

 Being authentic about our sexuality and kinky preferences first with ourselves then with other/s  is a hallmark of what we do. Authentic, real, honest, visceral, primal… ok, I get excited…

 But we are real!  And what a relief.

 Yet, even within our wonderful sexually open world, there are many that hide. I invite you to come on  out… you matter.

 I started to write today about “Accepted Forms of Sadism vis-à-vis Television” and got Jack Rinella’s most recent article “Liberation”. I’ll post later about the sadism…Jack’s work is great, I have read his work for years and he truly is a “Kink Relationship Expert”…  His opinions are reflection of what many relationship experts speak of when they speak of relationship health.

 And he ends his blog post with this comment:

 “If this essay shines light on the need to improve your relationship, do so carefully and gently. Perhaps you might even be better off seeking professional help, rather than do it yourself.”

***I am a professional, I can help, please  write me for a free consultation:  Jim@BDSMCoach.com

Today I offer resources for you:

  • A link to Jacks blog and recent writing:  “Liberation: by Jack Rinella”;
  • Excerpts from his article along with agreement and commentary about many of his points about “healthy relationship”.
  • Articles are linked and books referenced  for you throughout my blog, free. If you should you be seeking some answers, you may find them here.
  • I also offer two other article links at the end of the blog along with the resource links throughout.

 Enjoy!!

 Included here is a section of Jack’s article with my commentary.  My comments are starred *** and boldly italicized.

 Honesty

      Honesty involves truth-telling. Ah hah! Even with that I am in a trap. For the truth is that some partners don’t want to know all the details of the other’s life. Still, I think that deception cuts off a part of oneself from the other and over time this separation leads the partners along individual paths culminating in the disintegration of the relationship.

                 It is honest to agree not to discuss a topic. It is not honest to hide a topic because one doesn’t like the expected reaction the honesty will bring.

 ***It is honest to agree to not discuss a topic. As well, it defines the level  of intimacy by limiting the level of “knowing” of the other, a major component of intimacy.

 Openness

 Akin to honesty, openness means that we are willing to share ourselves, our whole selves, with the other. It also means that we are willing to listen to the other with an open mind. It means that we can talk freely without fear of reprisal or ridicule and grant our partner the same kind of respect.

 ***So often I have read posts asking: “Does your Sir allow for times for you to share…blah, blah….”.  One cannot have an intimate relationship without the space for open communication! Now, careful here:  there has been many a verbal attack made in the guise of “openness” and “just sharing my feelings”… That’s not openness, it’s dishonest. Here are two links related to abusive communication:

  1. 1.       What is Emotional Abuse?
  2. 2.       The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Lethal Communication Patterns and their Antidotes

 Empowerment

 I firmly believe that the reason the author of Genesis wrote “It is not good for man to be alone” is that two people can accomplish so much more than one working alone. Some tasks in fact cannot be done alone and most are more enjoyable when done with a partner.

 Empowerment means we aid the other in becoming all that he or she can be.

 ***Empowerment… personal, spiritual, emotional, physical. Yes, we all need solitude and the only true work on one’s self is thru relationship.  The book: “Embracing the Beloved” speaks to this, I believe it.

 Authenticity

 Empowerment primarily means that we aid the other in becoming authentic, that is to discover, realize, and live their true self-hood. We help each other arrive at our innate, fundamental, and essential integrity. Authenticity, in light of the often oppressive nature of society, is often difficult but it is the only true path to happiness.

 ***An amazing truth and much more “normal” in our kinky word than then the less than healthy  “normal relationship/s”  in our society.   Refer to writings on co-dependency by Pia Mellody, Charles WhItfield Ph.D. and Karen Horney to start!

Liberation

It is sad that the author who wrote the post above had to leave her relationship in order to become liberated. Relationships, by empowering authenticity, ought to liberate the real self. That is the most important liberation. A relationship that lacks liberation is one that needs work.

***Are you in a relationship that helps you to celebrate who you are? So many folks I talk with have quite unconsciously and sometimes with intention, given up parts of their self in order to ‘fit’ into the relationship. See above reference to co-dependency literature. Here is a link for some notions of “liberating one’s real self” that I refer to as Shadow Work.

Enjoyment

As my friend Race Bannon writes, fun is important. Here we use the word enjoyment in its widest sense. Not only do we need to enjoy doing things together but there ought to be enjoyment in just being together. If we don’t find enjoyment in our relationship, then something probably needs to change.

***A big clue:   are you having fun? In my first marriage it took some coaching for me to realize what had been missing for some time was fun!  Having fun together doing things and simply enjoying each other’s company is a big deal.

Peace

     Simply put, the relationship should engender feelings of peace and security. That doesn’t mean there aren’t ups and downs and “for better and for worse.” It means that there a sense of contentment with one another, the ability to relax and be oneself, and generally agreement on the everyday ways we live.

 ***This is beautiful.  A growing peace for me speaks to a growing trust and confidence that goes along with a reduced fear of hurt and loss. A result of intimate actions!

Affection

     Face it, you have to like each other and feel an attraction to one another. Though there are many different ways to express affection, I think that each of us needs to remember to do so.

 ***Books are written specifically pointing to “how” to show affection.  The Book: The 5 Love Languages gives you a great start, here’s a link to a summary in article form: LINK

Understanding

     Relationships work because partners understand one another and can feel what the other feels.

 ***This speaks to responding, respecting, knowing and caring. I hear Jack refer to an empathy associated with this, a knowing of the other person well enough so that the persons experience has emotional impact. Everyone matters in ways that work for them.

Stability

     And lastly, like peace, the ups and downs of life are experienced because of external forces, not because the partners are ambivalent about each other. Stability assures us that the relationship can be depended upon and that one’s partner is dependable as well.

 ***Back to trusting, knowing, understanding…things that are built over time. Continuity of love, connection, understanding and caring among the ups and downs builds stability.

So what?

This is not an essay to challenge partners to evaluate their relationship as much as it is a challenge for people who expect to partner, or who are beginning to do so, to evaluate their own expectations for the relationship and to make their needs known one to another.

***Ah… I do challenge you!  I am a personal relationship expert and I want you to LOVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE YOUR LIFE!

If this essay shines light on the need to improve your relationship, do so carefully and gently. Perhaps you might even be better off seeking professional help, rather than do it yourself.

 ***Yes…I agree Jack! Write me  Jim@BDSMCoach.com

 thus end my article commentary

 Resources:

I have written elsewhere about “Authentic Relationships” and include that link here.

I have also included a link to another article: “Finding and keeping a life partner” by Neil Mnemonic on Sunday, October 3, 2010 which posits these qualities:

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hugs, calls, touching, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING

View my 10 minute video: Building Positivity in Relationship Here

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