Authentic Relationships: Kinky Folks Lead the Way!

Authenticity in relationship is something that you might hear any and every couple talk about as important.  Well, there is that thing about talking… and then there’s the doing.

     Average American couples are beset with co-dependent patterns that are anathema to authenticity. .   Refer to writings on co-dependency by Pia Mellody, Charles WhItfield Ph.D., and Karen Horney to start!

 Being authentic about our sexuality and kinky preferences first with ourselves then with other/s  is a hallmark of what we do. Authentic, real, honest, visceral, primal… ok, I get excited…

 But we are real!  And what a relief.

 Yet, even within our wonderful sexually open world, there are many that hide. I invite you to come on  out… you matter.

 I started to write today about “Accepted Forms of Sadism vis-à-vis Television” and got Jack Rinella’s most recent article “Liberation”. I’ll post later about the sadism…Jack’s work is great, I have read his work for years and he truly is a “Kink Relationship Expert”…  His opinions are reflection of what many relationship experts speak of when they speak of relationship health.

 And he ends his blog post with this comment:

 “If this essay shines light on the need to improve your relationship, do so carefully and gently. Perhaps you might even be better off seeking professional help, rather than do it yourself.”

***I am a professional, I can help, please  write me for a free consultation:  Jim@BDSMCoach.com

Today I offer resources for you:

  • A link to Jacks blog and recent writing:  “Liberation: by Jack Rinella”;
  • Excerpts from his article along with agreement and commentary about many of his points about “healthy relationship”.
  • Articles are linked and books referenced  for you throughout my blog, free. If you should you be seeking some answers, you may find them here.
  • I also offer two other article links at the end of the blog along with the resource links throughout.

 Enjoy!!

 Included here is a section of Jack’s article with my commentary.  My comments are starred *** and boldly italicized.

 Honesty

      Honesty involves truth-telling. Ah hah! Even with that I am in a trap. For the truth is that some partners don’t want to know all the details of the other’s life. Still, I think that deception cuts off a part of oneself from the other and over time this separation leads the partners along individual paths culminating in the disintegration of the relationship.

                 It is honest to agree not to discuss a topic. It is not honest to hide a topic because one doesn’t like the expected reaction the honesty will bring.

 ***It is honest to agree to not discuss a topic. As well, it defines the level  of intimacy by limiting the level of “knowing” of the other, a major component of intimacy.

 Openness

 Akin to honesty, openness means that we are willing to share ourselves, our whole selves, with the other. It also means that we are willing to listen to the other with an open mind. It means that we can talk freely without fear of reprisal or ridicule and grant our partner the same kind of respect.

 ***So often I have read posts asking: “Does your Sir allow for times for you to share…blah, blah….”.  One cannot have an intimate relationship without the space for open communication! Now, careful here:  there has been many a verbal attack made in the guise of “openness” and “just sharing my feelings”… That’s not openness, it’s dishonest. Here are two links related to abusive communication:

  1. 1.       What is Emotional Abuse?
  2. 2.       The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Lethal Communication Patterns and their Antidotes

 Empowerment

 I firmly believe that the reason the author of Genesis wrote “It is not good for man to be alone” is that two people can accomplish so much more than one working alone. Some tasks in fact cannot be done alone and most are more enjoyable when done with a partner.

 Empowerment means we aid the other in becoming all that he or she can be.

 ***Empowerment… personal, spiritual, emotional, physical. Yes, we all need solitude and the only true work on one’s self is thru relationship.  The book: “Embracing the Beloved” speaks to this, I believe it.

 Authenticity

 Empowerment primarily means that we aid the other in becoming authentic, that is to discover, realize, and live their true self-hood. We help each other arrive at our innate, fundamental, and essential integrity. Authenticity, in light of the often oppressive nature of society, is often difficult but it is the only true path to happiness.

 ***An amazing truth and much more “normal” in our kinky word than then the less than healthy  “normal relationship/s”  in our society.   Refer to writings on co-dependency by Pia Mellody, Charles WhItfield Ph.D. and Karen Horney to start!

Liberation

It is sad that the author who wrote the post above had to leave her relationship in order to become liberated. Relationships, by empowering authenticity, ought to liberate the real self. That is the most important liberation. A relationship that lacks liberation is one that needs work.

***Are you in a relationship that helps you to celebrate who you are? So many folks I talk with have quite unconsciously and sometimes with intention, given up parts of their self in order to ‘fit’ into the relationship. See above reference to co-dependency literature. Here is a link for some notions of “liberating one’s real self” that I refer to as Shadow Work.

Enjoyment

As my friend Race Bannon writes, fun is important. Here we use the word enjoyment in its widest sense. Not only do we need to enjoy doing things together but there ought to be enjoyment in just being together. If we don’t find enjoyment in our relationship, then something probably needs to change.

***A big clue:   are you having fun? In my first marriage it took some coaching for me to realize what had been missing for some time was fun!  Having fun together doing things and simply enjoying each other’s company is a big deal.

Peace

     Simply put, the relationship should engender feelings of peace and security. That doesn’t mean there aren’t ups and downs and “for better and for worse.” It means that there a sense of contentment with one another, the ability to relax and be oneself, and generally agreement on the everyday ways we live.

 ***This is beautiful.  A growing peace for me speaks to a growing trust and confidence that goes along with a reduced fear of hurt and loss. A result of intimate actions!

Affection

     Face it, you have to like each other and feel an attraction to one another. Though there are many different ways to express affection, I think that each of us needs to remember to do so.

 ***Books are written specifically pointing to “how” to show affection.  The Book: The 5 Love Languages gives you a great start, here’s a link to a summary in article form: LINK

Understanding

     Relationships work because partners understand one another and can feel what the other feels.

 ***This speaks to responding, respecting, knowing and caring. I hear Jack refer to an empathy associated with this, a knowing of the other person well enough so that the persons experience has emotional impact. Everyone matters in ways that work for them.

Stability

     And lastly, like peace, the ups and downs of life are experienced because of external forces, not because the partners are ambivalent about each other. Stability assures us that the relationship can be depended upon and that one’s partner is dependable as well.

 ***Back to trusting, knowing, understanding…things that are built over time. Continuity of love, connection, understanding and caring among the ups and downs builds stability.

So what?

This is not an essay to challenge partners to evaluate their relationship as much as it is a challenge for people who expect to partner, or who are beginning to do so, to evaluate their own expectations for the relationship and to make their needs known one to another.

***Ah… I do challenge you!  I am a personal relationship expert and I want you to LOVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE YOUR LIFE!

If this essay shines light on the need to improve your relationship, do so carefully and gently. Perhaps you might even be better off seeking professional help, rather than do it yourself.

 ***Yes…I agree Jack! Write me  Jim@BDSMCoach.com

 thus end my article commentary

 Resources:

I have written elsewhere about “Authentic Relationships” and include that link here.

I have also included a link to another article: “Finding and keeping a life partner” by Neil Mnemonic on Sunday, October 3, 2010 which posits these qualities:

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hugs, calls, touching, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING

View my 10 minute video: Building Positivity in Relationship Here

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