Leather and Kink folks are some of the most authentic folks I know… it is a value inherent in so much of what we do in our BDSM world…what an honor to be among you.

What goes on behind closed doors is private… it speaks of trust, honesty and intimate sharing.

I recently presented at the “Behind Closed Doors” conference in Tucson AZ… The weather was fabulous, the hotel and staff were magnificent, and the people… The kinksters that gathered at the conference were beautiful, honest and authentic.

Now, you might wonder why I write about this… Our value and practice of honesty and authenticity is a value spoken of in our larger culture, yet covertly and overtly suppressed and NOT practiced… at least not to the level and degree that W/we do.

Examples:

1.  The Vanilla Networking Meeting: Images are up, personas are on. We are taught to reveal only so much of ourselves…rather, to reveal what we think others will be impressed with. Lots of handshaking, talk about business… authenticity is often left somewhere else. Jockeying for position, business and ego-supporting scripts in support of stories we learned as children.

2.  The Vanilla Marriage:  Often overtly monogamous and often covertly semi-monogamous; things like sex, physical pleasures, unusual interests are often ‘closeted’.  A mutually agreed upon co-dependence that supports the images we hope to be as husband/wife-man/woman.

3. The Kinksters Relationships… vis-a-vis Behind Closed Doors: An open sharing of who we are with each other; a dropping of images, of competition in lieu of authentic sharing, sometimes coupled with emotional, physical and spiritual connections.

At the end of the conference MasterZ spoke about authenticity.  He referred to the movie “Avatar”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll recall how the beings greet each other, they say: “I See You”.  The Avatar beings pause, look and ‘take in’ the experience of the other person, and then greet them with: “I See You”.

In our larger culture it is much more common to work at “not” being seen… which is unfortunate… so many bright lights dimmed.  Not us 🙂

 Let us keep lighting up our world with our authenticity, our honesty, our truth.  Celebrate who you are… You are better at being You than anyone else, Rock On!

 

www.BDSMcoach.com

Off W/we go to Arizona this weekend presenting “NLP 201-Other Than Conscious Control” at the Behind Closed Doors Conference. 

As a kinky coach I get many “how to” questions… many have to do with how to influence our partners, submissives and slaves. Influence, control… it is so much of what we do in this BDSM lifestyle… Tops/bottoms; Doms/subs; Masters/slaves…

Influence is easy…really.

     A key to ease in influence is #1 You… Your emotional state and skill levels. One cannot expect to ‘Master’ another until they have mastered their self. If You know what you want, and You are confident in your “dominance” then directing or commanding others will come natural.

Then there’s the Other Than Conscious Influence… that’s the skill part. Knowing that all behaviors are communication is part of it; training yourself to observe things like: breathing changes, body movements, skin color changes, eye movements and then Use these behaviors to influence…. without ever saying a word.  That’s some of that NLP stuff. And there’s more.

Then there’s the ability to influence with just a few words… to influence mood, attitude, thoughts, emotions and behavior… with just a few words…  just a few words.

This NLP stuff is really remarkable.  Here’s a link to Learn More about NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) training which includes a short video and a short introductory paper for you to learn more: “NLP-Just the Tip of the Iceburg”

 

Recently I was the guest speaker on “The Deviant Minds Salon”… (download here) the title referred to such terms as Enneagram and NeuroLinguistic Programming and Kink… however, the bigger story, the bigger picture is about using available tools to build your relationships.

Lot’s of folks believe and act as if relationships ‘happen’… I hear phrases like: “It’s chemistry,” or “We fell in love on the second date,”… as well as “Our relationship fell apart,” and “We just don’t play together anymore.”

Yes, things happen.  But we are not rocks or billiard balls, we are humans. We have consciousness, we are writers, directors and actors of our worlds.   It is WE, US, each one of us who decides…

But if you never know you have a choice, do you really have one?

I believe that all of us make the best choices we possibly can give the information we have.  Whether it be money, dieting, or relationships, we are always deciding- consciously or not.

Historically dating and mating have left us with a rising 67% divorce rate. When we begin with what we want for ourselves, we can be conscious and find prospective dates and mates just as we would our ideal home or job. When we leave our relationship beginnings up to ‘chemistry’; when we allow our relationships to grow on automatic pilot, we eliminate our consciousness from our most important of relationships.

Is your relationship all you want it to be? If not, what if it was?

Are you seeking an honest, fulfilling relationship? Then start seeking with eyes wide open! Ask the hard questions right away, the one’s that matter to you. 

Don’t know where to start?  Start here: Building Lasting Relationships

Click Here For more on “NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP)”

Click Here for more on “The Enneagram”

Blessings Great People!

Sir Jim

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