Often times I respond to posts on Fetlife or Allexperts.com that deal with “How do we do this?”.  “How do we do this?” comes in so many different forms too!  Some of the questions I have gotten recently include:

  • How do we peg?
  • How do I have more sex on dates?
  • How can I help my wife to be more comfortable with my kink?
  • How do i serve my Master without resentment?
  • How can I get her to respond better?

And, the “How do we do this?” might be beginning kinky play as a couple, as this post is.  I include the original post and my response, for any of you who have a spouse how wants to play, and you love them enough to ask: “How do we do this?”  Because, “How do we do this ” is such a beautiful place to start… it speaks to desire, curiosity, interest. It speaks to hope and presupposes there ARE answers, there is a way.

My husband wants to play

Hi, I have been with my husband for 6 years. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I am way more vanilla than he is ( or would like me to be). This has been our big fight since we meet. We love each other that I know. But he is just so unhappy with this part of our life. We have tried to come up with things I am ok with, but when we do them it is never enough. I want him to be happy. I love him so much. He asked me to come up with things he can do with or without me. I know he wants to play with me more that without me. And. Want to also. I need more suggestions of what we can do. ( a bit racy and fun but still something I can do) please help!!!


Hi ___________

Welcome and congrats for writing. I love hearing about couples searching for ways to make their relationship great!

Most often there is a dream behind what is wanted and the ‘never enough’ has more to do with the dreamer than the act. Here are a few questions that if your husband answers will help you move forward.

What was ‘not enough’? Enthusiasm? Were your reactions less then hoped for? What did you/he do right? What can you/he do differently or more of? Did you expect the first time or three to go ‘great’? How much room are you both allowing for discussion about how to make it right?

Have you asked him: “What would be great for you? (you mention that when you do things it is never enough. I don’t go for “enough”… I go for Great!).  Another question to ask him is: “What are the 5 things that turn you on the most?”.

Here is a link to a “Play Partner Checklist” that is a useful guide for couples.

Here is a link to my website www.BDSMcoach.com where there are many other resources.

Please do let Me know how it goes for you!


Do or Don’t Do…There is no try

How long has it been…or how many times have you promised yourself: “This year, I’m going to really express sexual self!”  And then maybe went on line, did some searching.  Maybe you visited a local club, went to a workshop, perhaps even met and talked with some people. If you are coupled already, then maybe you and your spouse got out some books, watched a video, experimented once or twice…and then…well, normal life ‘took over’.

Do or don’t do, there is no try!

How often do you here someone say how they will TRY to do something?

“I’ll try to get together with you.” “I’ll try to get more work done.” “I’ll try to do better.”

The time is now.  You have waited long enough!  Let me help you and make it simple.

1.  Know what you want

2.  Create a plan to do it.

3.  Do it.

4.  Notice what you like and what you don’t.

5.  Repeat until you just can’t help but smile 🙂

Especially now at the beginning of the new year when So Many People “resolve” to make some major change in their life. Something big… a new job, relationship, or residence.  Or something smaller… losing weight, working more, working less, spending more time with loved ones. It might be time management, reducing stress, a commitment to health, to savings and investments, or to your spiritual life.

Do or don’t do, there is no try.

Let’s revisit my simple list of 5 in more detail.

1.  Know what you want

How do you ‘know’ what you want?  Follow your desire, your curiosity, your passion, your lust.  What looks sounds and feels good? What draws you? What repels you, yet still turns you on?

There are several resources you can use to connect more with what turns you on.

*Play Partner Check List

*FetLife – A BDSM website for kinksters by kinksters

*The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, Ph.D.

*Contact Me, I’m happy to help

2.              Create a plan to do it.

Creating a plan can be easy for some, next to mission impossible for others. Simple or difficult, in order to get to your outcome or destination, you need a way to get there.  This will vary tremendously depending on what you want.

The most general advice I will offer here is to go out and explore! Learn for yourself!  Go to the web; find local venues for meetings and educational events. Buy a book or three on your subjects of interest. I’ll include below a link to a couple of “kinky’ sites, as well as a link to my blog for those wanting to meet others in the BDSM lifestyle.

*Meeting New People-Screening Candidates to Find Who You Want!


*Polyamory-Love Without Limits

In the Kalama Sutta Buddha says, “Do not accept anything because it comes from the mouth of a respected person. Rather, observe closely and if it is to the benefit of all, accept and abide by it.”

Check it out, find what you are seeking.  I’m here if you need some help, just write: Jim@Bdsmcoach.com

3.  Do it.  (That means taking action and doing whatever it is you have been planning!)

4.   Notice what you like and what you don’t.

Be Honest with yourself!  If you like it, great!  If not, say so!  You never have to do anything sexually that you do not want to!  This is the place where you get to really play, let your desires be known, your likes, dislikes, and party on!


5. Repeat until you just can’t help but smile 🙂


This blog was inspired by Joseph Campbell, who inspired George Lucas to create Star Wars… who created Yoda


While watching the movie 2012-A Time for a Change, I saw boys running in the jungle, learning, having fun… What a far cry from sitting in a confining desk while a boring old person goes on and on about things that matter very little to the inquisitive young minds… Of course, these days those powers that be have found a ‘cure’ for those inquisitive young minds… Adderall…to “treat” the A.D.D or A.D.H.D… Did you know some classrooms consist of 38% of the class being medicated? Why not medicate the teacher and speed them up a bit?

We are evolving spiritual beings… or at least, that’s why we are here. We each have our own ‘vibrational energy’, we are physically separate beings and we each evolve at our own rate and speed… or we don’t. For me, I’m a learning maniac… you can ask anyone who knows me well… I’m like a learning machine… just like those boys in the jungle, running, jumping, learning, exploring… sitting at a desk for hours just didn’t work.

I’ve always loved to learn… the little professor, the inquisitor, the explorer, the experimenter. The adults in my world worked really hard to attempt to harness my dancing spirit… Silly adults really…  and there are so many out there that are just as silly; with their judgments, their limiting beliefs and their prejudices.

A common theme in our kink world IS experimentation, exploration, discovery. We are active in giving space for our desires, sexual or otherwise.  Giving space and time to the things that make hot, make us squirm, or just make us giggle… This goes against the teachings most of our parents, our teachers and our culture…who would be a whole lot more comfortable if we would just ‘act normal’.

Normal? Not a chance.

There are many that believe that the majority of people in Western ‘civilization’ who call themselves ‘normal’ are actually asleep… operating out of beliefs, rules and fears they have been taught… and to chase dreams they were taught to have. You…simply by being your kinky self are among the awakening…and I am glad you are!

Normal…not a chance… how about you?

Rock on and get your kink on!


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