Often times I respond to posts on Fetlife or Allexperts.com that deal with “How do we do this?”.  “How do we do this?” comes in so many different forms too!  Some of the questions I have gotten recently include:

  • How do we peg?
  • How do I have more sex on dates?
  • How can I help my wife to be more comfortable with my kink?
  • How do i serve my Master without resentment?
  • How can I get her to respond better?

And, the “How do we do this?” might be beginning kinky play as a couple, as this post is.  I include the original post and my response, for any of you who have a spouse how wants to play, and you love them enough to ask: “How do we do this?”  Because, “How do we do this ” is such a beautiful place to start… it speaks to desire, curiosity, interest. It speaks to hope and presupposes there ARE answers, there is a way.

My husband wants to play

Hi, I have been with my husband for 6 years. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I am way more vanilla than he is ( or would like me to be). This has been our big fight since we meet. We love each other that I know. But he is just so unhappy with this part of our life. We have tried to come up with things I am ok with, but when we do them it is never enough. I want him to be happy. I love him so much. He asked me to come up with things he can do with or without me. I know he wants to play with me more that without me. And. Want to also. I need more suggestions of what we can do. ( a bit racy and fun but still something I can do) please help!!!

SirJimBliss:

Hi ___________

Welcome and congrats for writing. I love hearing about couples searching for ways to make their relationship great!

Most often there is a dream behind what is wanted and the ‘never enough’ has more to do with the dreamer than the act. Here are a few questions that if your husband answers will help you move forward.

What was ‘not enough’? Enthusiasm? Were your reactions less then hoped for? What did you/he do right? What can you/he do differently or more of? Did you expect the first time or three to go ‘great’? How much room are you both allowing for discussion about how to make it right?

Have you asked him: “What would be great for you? (you mention that when you do things it is never enough. I don’t go for “enough”… I go for Great!).  Another question to ask him is: “What are the 5 things that turn you on the most?”.

Here is a link to a “Play Partner Checklist” that is a useful guide for couples.

Here is a link to my website www.BDSMcoach.com where there are many other resources.

Please do let Me know how it goes for you!

Jim

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