by w4l3XzY3

by w4l3XzY3


Often times I respond to posts on Fetlife or that deal with “How do we do this?”.  “How do we do this?” comes in so many different forms too!  Some of the questions I have gotten recently include:

  • How do we peg?
  • How do I have more sex on dates?
  • How can I help my wife to be more comfortable with my kink?
  • How do i serve my Master without resentment?
  • How can I get her to respond better?

And, the “How do we do this?” might be beginning kinky play as a couple, as this post is.  I include the original post and my response, for any of you who have a spouse how wants to play, and you love them enough to ask: “How do we do this?”  Because, “How do we do this ” is such a beautiful place to start… it speaks to desire, curiosity, interest. It speaks to hope and presupposes there ARE answers, there is a way.

My husband wants to play

Hi, I have been with my husband for 6 years. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I am way more vanilla than he is ( or would like me to be). This has been our big fight since we meet. We love each other that I know. But he is just so unhappy with this part of our life. We have tried to come up with things I am ok with, but when we do them it is never enough. I want him to be happy. I love him so much. He asked me to come up with things he can do with or without me. I know he wants to play with me more that without me. And. Want to also. I need more suggestions of what we can do. ( a bit racy and fun but still something I can do) please help!!!


Hi ___________

Welcome and congrats for writing. I love hearing about couples searching for ways to make their relationship great!

Most often there is a dream behind what is wanted and the ‘never enough’ has more to do with the dreamer than the act. Here are a few questions that if your husband answers will help you move forward.

What was ‘not enough’? Enthusiasm? Were your reactions less then hoped for? What did you/he do right? What can you/he do differently or more of? Did you expect the first time or three to go ‘great’? How much room are you both allowing for discussion about how to make it right?

Have you asked him: “What would be great for you? (you mention that when you do things it is never enough. I don’t go for “enough”… I go for Great!).  Another question to ask him is: “What are the 5 things that turn you on the most?”.

Here is a link to a “Play Partner Checklist” that is a useful guide for couples.

Here is a link to my website where there are many other resources.

Please do let Me know how it goes for you!


Do or Don’t Do…There is no try

How long has it been…or how many times have you promised yourself: “This year, I’m going to really express sexual self!”  And then maybe went on line, did some searching.  Maybe you visited a local club, went to a workshop, perhaps even met and talked with some people. If you are coupled already, then maybe you and your spouse got out some books, watched a video, experimented once or twice…and then…well, normal life ‘took over’.

Do or don’t do, there is no try!

How often do you here someone say how they will TRY to do something?

“I’ll try to get together with you.” “I’ll try to get more work done.” “I’ll try to do better.”

The time is now.  You have waited long enough!  Let me help you and make it simple.

1.  Know what you want

2.  Create a plan to do it.

3.  Do it.

4.  Notice what you like and what you don’t.

5.  Repeat until you just can’t help but smile 🙂

Especially now at the beginning of the new year when So Many People “resolve” to make some major change in their life. Something big… a new job, relationship, or residence.  Or something smaller… losing weight, working more, working less, spending more time with loved ones. It might be time management, reducing stress, a commitment to health, to savings and investments, or to your spiritual life.

Do or don’t do, there is no try.

Let’s revisit my simple list of 5 in more detail.

1.  Know what you want

How do you ‘know’ what you want?  Follow your desire, your curiosity, your passion, your lust.  What looks sounds and feels good? What draws you? What repels you, yet still turns you on?

There are several resources you can use to connect more with what turns you on.

*Play Partner Check List

*FetLife – A BDSM website for kinksters by kinksters

*The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, Ph.D.

*Contact Me, I’m happy to help

2.              Create a plan to do it.

Creating a plan can be easy for some, next to mission impossible for others. Simple or difficult, in order to get to your outcome or destination, you need a way to get there.  This will vary tremendously depending on what you want.

The most general advice I will offer here is to go out and explore! Learn for yourself!  Go to the web; find local venues for meetings and educational events. Buy a book or three on your subjects of interest. I’ll include below a link to a couple of “kinky’ sites, as well as a link to my blog for those wanting to meet others in the BDSM lifestyle.

*Meeting New People-Screening Candidates to Find Who You Want!


*Polyamory-Love Without Limits

In the Kalama Sutta Buddha says, “Do not accept anything because it comes from the mouth of a respected person. Rather, observe closely and if it is to the benefit of all, accept and abide by it.”

Check it out, find what you are seeking.  I’m here if you need some help, just write:

3.  Do it.  (That means taking action and doing whatever it is you have been planning!)

4.   Notice what you like and what you don’t.

Be Honest with yourself!  If you like it, great!  If not, say so!  You never have to do anything sexually that you do not want to!  This is the place where you get to really play, let your desires be known, your likes, dislikes, and party on!


5. Repeat until you just can’t help but smile 🙂


This blog was inspired by Joseph Campbell, who inspired George Lucas to create Star Wars… who created Yoda


While watching the movie 2012-A Time for a Change, I saw boys running in the jungle, learning, having fun… What a far cry from sitting in a confining desk while a boring old person goes on and on about things that matter very little to the inquisitive young minds… Of course, these days those powers that be have found a ‘cure’ for those inquisitive young minds… Adderall…to “treat” the A.D.D or A.D.H.D… Did you know some classrooms consist of 38% of the class being medicated? Why not medicate the teacher and speed them up a bit?

We are evolving spiritual beings… or at least, that’s why we are here. We each have our own ‘vibrational energy’, we are physically separate beings and we each evolve at our own rate and speed… or we don’t. For me, I’m a learning maniac… you can ask anyone who knows me well… I’m like a learning machine… just like those boys in the jungle, running, jumping, learning, exploring… sitting at a desk for hours just didn’t work.

I’ve always loved to learn… the little professor, the inquisitor, the explorer, the experimenter. The adults in my world worked really hard to attempt to harness my dancing spirit… Silly adults really…  and there are so many out there that are just as silly; with their judgments, their limiting beliefs and their prejudices.

A common theme in our kink world IS experimentation, exploration, discovery. We are active in giving space for our desires, sexual or otherwise.  Giving space and time to the things that make hot, make us squirm, or just make us giggle… This goes against the teachings most of our parents, our teachers and our culture…who would be a whole lot more comfortable if we would just ‘act normal’.

Normal? Not a chance.

There are many that believe that the majority of people in Western ‘civilization’ who call themselves ‘normal’ are actually asleep… operating out of beliefs, rules and fears they have been taught… and to chase dreams they were taught to have. You…simply by being your kinky self are among the awakening…and I am glad you are!

Normal…not a chance… how about you?

Rock on and get your kink on!


As a practicing Magician, rituals are part of what we do 🙂  Today I’ll share some magic of synchronicity with you.

Synchronicity or “coincidence” is something that is occurring always as part of our spiritual awakening. From Carl Jung to Dali Lama, to Don Miguel Ruiz, to many a spiritual leader past and present speak of synchronicity.  Yes, I’ve written in the past about synchronicity in relation to hobbies, fun and following our whims.  And Oh, Us Kinksters are GREAT at following Our Whims!!

My ritual began with My intention of releasing all those things I have accumulated in this lifetime that no longer serve me. A very fitting ritual for a Master 🙂  It started with a formal calling of powers, some narrative related to releasing, letting go and then my beloved cutting about 2 inches of my ponytail off. I distributed the hair in various places I’ve lived over a 2 week period of time.

During all of this, I attended a 3 hour introductory class on “The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka”, an outstanding class that serves for many as a doorway to more intimacy via shamanic/tantric practices. An excellent class it was! I bought the book, started reading it and loving it! 3 days later I get an email: “Jim, we are short two males, will you attend?”.  After some thought and conversation I was signed up to start 40 hours of class the next 4 days.

The workshop was (and is) Amazing… personal work, spiritual work, rituals, sweat lodge (my first!)… simply amazing… AND  all in service of the original ritual I started back when regarding releasing all that is not useful to me from this lifetime. SYNCHRONICITY!?!?!  Oh yeah!  What a most amazing ritual…what a most amazing workshop. Not only have I continued the sweat lodge, but have found other entire new paths of learning to incorporate into my life and work.  Synchronicity…it’s funny how things go 🙂

Here’s a link for the book, from the authors website. She offers a tasty free download before you decide to buy it. Check it out, you AND your lovers will be glad you did.

The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka

And here’s a recommendation for the book from another :

Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D. and Author of Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex

“This book is a treasure trove of wisdom and sexuality practices from  beginner to advanced.”

The book is amazing, the training is even better… and that’s just the beginning.

Namaste Great Kinksters,




Greetings Kinky Folks,

Oh Where Has the Time Gone?  It’s been months since I”ve been here writing.

As a writer I write when I am inspired to write…. and I’ve written… many articles, a new vanilla website design at By the end of the year I’ll be eliminating the “/home” part.  It is a fantastic site, I invite you to visit.

The Site: speaks of things like:

  1. We are spiritual beings here to evolve to be the divine beings we truly are.
  2. That as souls and spirits we Choose to be here: we choose our parents, this particular time, culture, etc…
  3. There are simple ways to know our souls journey, our life lessons and to evolve much more easily than we’ve been taught in the past.

Simple idea’s really… things that have been around for thousands of years… Things our western culture has gravely overlooked; until now. Just like our culture labels ‘kink’ or ‘transgender’; our culture has minimized the role of spirit, of soul and of the feminine to deify the “American Dream”…. which if we don’t turn ourselves around, will continue to look more like the American Nightmare.

I’ve done some great exploring in the last many months, so with winter’s arrival here in the midwest, I’ll be sharing this journey with you.

In the mean time (funny thing for a sadist to say!) Here are 2 articles I’ve written that may peak your interest.



Leather and Kink folks are some of the most authentic folks I know… it is a value inherent in so much of what we do in our BDSM world…what an honor to be among you.

What goes on behind closed doors is private… it speaks of trust, honesty and intimate sharing.

I recently presented at the “Behind Closed Doors” conference in Tucson AZ… The weather was fabulous, the hotel and staff were magnificent, and the people… The kinksters that gathered at the conference were beautiful, honest and authentic.

Now, you might wonder why I write about this… Our value and practice of honesty and authenticity is a value spoken of in our larger culture, yet covertly and overtly suppressed and NOT practiced… at least not to the level and degree that W/we do.


1.  The Vanilla Networking Meeting: Images are up, personas are on. We are taught to reveal only so much of ourselves…rather, to reveal what we think others will be impressed with. Lots of handshaking, talk about business… authenticity is often left somewhere else. Jockeying for position, business and ego-supporting scripts in support of stories we learned as children.

2.  The Vanilla Marriage:  Often overtly monogamous and often covertly semi-monogamous; things like sex, physical pleasures, unusual interests are often ‘closeted’.  A mutually agreed upon co-dependence that supports the images we hope to be as husband/wife-man/woman.

3. The Kinksters Relationships… vis-a-vis Behind Closed Doors: An open sharing of who we are with each other; a dropping of images, of competition in lieu of authentic sharing, sometimes coupled with emotional, physical and spiritual connections.

At the end of the conference MasterZ spoke about authenticity.  He referred to the movie “Avatar”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll recall how the beings greet each other, they say: “I See You”.  The Avatar beings pause, look and ‘take in’ the experience of the other person, and then greet them with: “I See You”.

In our larger culture it is much more common to work at “not” being seen… which is unfortunate… so many bright lights dimmed.  Not us 🙂

 Let us keep lighting up our world with our authenticity, our honesty, our truth.  Celebrate who you are… You are better at being You than anyone else, Rock On!

Off W/we go to Arizona this weekend presenting “NLP 201-Other Than Conscious Control” at the Behind Closed Doors Conference. 

As a kinky coach I get many “how to” questions… many have to do with how to influence our partners, submissives and slaves. Influence, control… it is so much of what we do in this BDSM lifestyle… Tops/bottoms; Doms/subs; Masters/slaves…

Influence is easy…really.

     A key to ease in influence is #1 You… Your emotional state and skill levels. One cannot expect to ‘Master’ another until they have mastered their self. If You know what you want, and You are confident in your “dominance” then directing or commanding others will come natural.

Then there’s the Other Than Conscious Influence… that’s the skill part. Knowing that all behaviors are communication is part of it; training yourself to observe things like: breathing changes, body movements, skin color changes, eye movements and then Use these behaviors to influence…. without ever saying a word.  That’s some of that NLP stuff. And there’s more.

Then there’s the ability to influence with just a few words… to influence mood, attitude, thoughts, emotions and behavior… with just a few words…  just a few words.

This NLP stuff is really remarkable.  Here’s a link to Learn More about NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) training which includes a short video and a short introductory paper for you to learn more: “NLP-Just the Tip of the Iceburg”


Recently I was the guest speaker on “The Deviant Minds Salon”… (download here) the title referred to such terms as Enneagram and NeuroLinguistic Programming and Kink… however, the bigger story, the bigger picture is about using available tools to build your relationships.

Lot’s of folks believe and act as if relationships ‘happen’… I hear phrases like: “It’s chemistry,” or “We fell in love on the second date,”… as well as “Our relationship fell apart,” and “We just don’t play together anymore.”

Yes, things happen.  But we are not rocks or billiard balls, we are humans. We have consciousness, we are writers, directors and actors of our worlds.   It is WE, US, each one of us who decides…

But if you never know you have a choice, do you really have one?

I believe that all of us make the best choices we possibly can give the information we have.  Whether it be money, dieting, or relationships, we are always deciding- consciously or not.

Historically dating and mating have left us with a rising 67% divorce rate. When we begin with what we want for ourselves, we can be conscious and find prospective dates and mates just as we would our ideal home or job. When we leave our relationship beginnings up to ‘chemistry’; when we allow our relationships to grow on automatic pilot, we eliminate our consciousness from our most important of relationships.

Is your relationship all you want it to be? If not, what if it was?

Are you seeking an honest, fulfilling relationship? Then start seeking with eyes wide open! Ask the hard questions right away, the one’s that matter to you. 

Don’t know where to start?  Start here: Building Lasting Relationships

Click Here For more on “NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP)”

Click Here for more on “The Enneagram”

Blessings Great People!

Sir Jim

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