Often times I respond to posts on Fetlife or Allexperts.com that deal with “How do we do this?”.  “How do we do this?” comes in so many different forms too!  Some of the questions I have gotten recently include:

  • How do we peg?
  • How do I have more sex on dates?
  • How can I help my wife to be more comfortable with my kink?
  • How do i serve my Master without resentment?
  • How can I get her to respond better?

And, the “How do we do this?” might be beginning kinky play as a couple, as this post is.  I include the original post and my response, for any of you who have a spouse how wants to play, and you love them enough to ask: “How do we do this?”  Because, “How do we do this ” is such a beautiful place to start… it speaks to desire, curiosity, interest. It speaks to hope and presupposes there ARE answers, there is a way.

My husband wants to play

Hi, I have been with my husband for 6 years. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I am way more vanilla than he is ( or would like me to be). This has been our big fight since we meet. We love each other that I know. But he is just so unhappy with this part of our life. We have tried to come up with things I am ok with, but when we do them it is never enough. I want him to be happy. I love him so much. He asked me to come up with things he can do with or without me. I know he wants to play with me more that without me. And. Want to also. I need more suggestions of what we can do. ( a bit racy and fun but still something I can do) please help!!!

SirJimBliss:

Hi ___________

Welcome and congrats for writing. I love hearing about couples searching for ways to make their relationship great!

Most often there is a dream behind what is wanted and the ‘never enough’ has more to do with the dreamer than the act. Here are a few questions that if your husband answers will help you move forward.

What was ‘not enough’? Enthusiasm? Were your reactions less then hoped for? What did you/he do right? What can you/he do differently or more of? Did you expect the first time or three to go ‘great’? How much room are you both allowing for discussion about how to make it right?

Have you asked him: “What would be great for you? (you mention that when you do things it is never enough. I don’t go for “enough”… I go for Great!).  Another question to ask him is: “What are the 5 things that turn you on the most?”.

Here is a link to a “Play Partner Checklist” that is a useful guide for couples.

Here is a link to my website www.BDSMcoach.com where there are many other resources.

Please do let Me know how it goes for you!

Jim

While watching the movie 2012-A Time for a Change, I saw boys running in the jungle, learning, having fun… What a far cry from sitting in a confining desk while a boring old person goes on and on about things that matter very little to the inquisitive young minds… Of course, these days those powers that be have found a ‘cure’ for those inquisitive young minds… Adderall…to “treat” the A.D.D or A.D.H.D… Did you know some classrooms consist of 38% of the class being medicated? Why not medicate the teacher and speed them up a bit?

We are evolving spiritual beings… or at least, that’s why we are here. We each have our own ‘vibrational energy’, we are physically separate beings and we each evolve at our own rate and speed… or we don’t. For me, I’m a learning maniac… you can ask anyone who knows me well… I’m like a learning machine… just like those boys in the jungle, running, jumping, learning, exploring… sitting at a desk for hours just didn’t work.

I’ve always loved to learn… the little professor, the inquisitor, the explorer, the experimenter. The adults in my world worked really hard to attempt to harness my dancing spirit… Silly adults really…  and there are so many out there that are just as silly; with their judgments, their limiting beliefs and their prejudices.

A common theme in our kink world IS experimentation, exploration, discovery. We are active in giving space for our desires, sexual or otherwise.  Giving space and time to the things that make hot, make us squirm, or just make us giggle… This goes against the teachings most of our parents, our teachers and our culture…who would be a whole lot more comfortable if we would just ‘act normal’.

Normal? Not a chance.

There are many that believe that the majority of people in Western ‘civilization’ who call themselves ‘normal’ are actually asleep… operating out of beliefs, rules and fears they have been taught… and to chase dreams they were taught to have. You…simply by being your kinky self are among the awakening…and I am glad you are!

Normal…not a chance… how about you?

Rock on and get your kink on!

 

Leather and Kink folks are some of the most authentic folks I know… it is a value inherent in so much of what we do in our BDSM world…what an honor to be among you.

What goes on behind closed doors is private… it speaks of trust, honesty and intimate sharing.

I recently presented at the “Behind Closed Doors” conference in Tucson AZ… The weather was fabulous, the hotel and staff were magnificent, and the people… The kinksters that gathered at the conference were beautiful, honest and authentic.

Now, you might wonder why I write about this… Our value and practice of honesty and authenticity is a value spoken of in our larger culture, yet covertly and overtly suppressed and NOT practiced… at least not to the level and degree that W/we do.

Examples:

1.  The Vanilla Networking Meeting: Images are up, personas are on. We are taught to reveal only so much of ourselves…rather, to reveal what we think others will be impressed with. Lots of handshaking, talk about business… authenticity is often left somewhere else. Jockeying for position, business and ego-supporting scripts in support of stories we learned as children.

2.  The Vanilla Marriage:  Often overtly monogamous and often covertly semi-monogamous; things like sex, physical pleasures, unusual interests are often ‘closeted’.  A mutually agreed upon co-dependence that supports the images we hope to be as husband/wife-man/woman.

3. The Kinksters Relationships… vis-a-vis Behind Closed Doors: An open sharing of who we are with each other; a dropping of images, of competition in lieu of authentic sharing, sometimes coupled with emotional, physical and spiritual connections.

At the end of the conference MasterZ spoke about authenticity.  He referred to the movie “Avatar”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll recall how the beings greet each other, they say: “I See You”.  The Avatar beings pause, look and ‘take in’ the experience of the other person, and then greet them with: “I See You”.

In our larger culture it is much more common to work at “not” being seen… which is unfortunate… so many bright lights dimmed.  Not us 🙂

 Let us keep lighting up our world with our authenticity, our honesty, our truth.  Celebrate who you are… You are better at being You than anyone else, Rock On!

 

www.BDSMcoach.com

Off W/we go to Arizona this weekend presenting “NLP 201-Other Than Conscious Control” at the Behind Closed Doors Conference. 

As a kinky coach I get many “how to” questions… many have to do with how to influence our partners, submissives and slaves. Influence, control… it is so much of what we do in this BDSM lifestyle… Tops/bottoms; Doms/subs; Masters/slaves…

Influence is easy…really.

     A key to ease in influence is #1 You… Your emotional state and skill levels. One cannot expect to ‘Master’ another until they have mastered their self. If You know what you want, and You are confident in your “dominance” then directing or commanding others will come natural.

Then there’s the Other Than Conscious Influence… that’s the skill part. Knowing that all behaviors are communication is part of it; training yourself to observe things like: breathing changes, body movements, skin color changes, eye movements and then Use these behaviors to influence…. without ever saying a word.  That’s some of that NLP stuff. And there’s more.

Then there’s the ability to influence with just a few words… to influence mood, attitude, thoughts, emotions and behavior… with just a few words…  just a few words.

This NLP stuff is really remarkable.  Here’s a link to Learn More about NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) training which includes a short video and a short introductory paper for you to learn more: “NLP-Just the Tip of the Iceburg”

 

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!   

No, we really can't read each others minds

            I read a post today on Fetlife that suggested we improve our ability to ‘read others’, that it is the crux of social cooperation and emotional closeness. I was stunned.

I mean no offense to those of you who believe this. Instead, I offer you a perspective that will lead to true intimacy. Honest communication. Radically honest communication.

            To be honest to the point of transparency; to communicate our wants and needs; to understand others in our life and truly ‘know’ them, we must communicate, we must talk, we must ask questions, share hard truths, and yes, sometimes the others in our lives feel hurt, pain, sadness.  The honoring of them, of ourselves and our  relationship demands that we are honest, and that we hold those in our lives as creative, resourceful and whole. We do not need to protect them, we need to include them and be honest, open and learn trust. Anything else is simply a degree of co-dependency.

Many of us have been raised to believe it is never right to be part of hurting another persons feelings. In some ways I agree.  It is RARELY right to intentionally hurt someone else (let’s remember, some folks like it or in rare occasions, we need to physically protect ourselves). Yet, in those most heated of moments, we feel hurt, anger; we lash out at those closest to us. One way to avoid this, is to STOP mindreading and enjoy honest conversation.

Here is the Fetlife post and my response:

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Mind reading

I was watching TV with *my friend this evening. The baby cried and she said “I know what he is thinking and what he needs.” Oh yea, how do you know? My friend told me that he has different cries for different needs. Hmmm, I have never noticed.

With a baby it is relatively simple. If he ate two hours ago he is probably hungry again but how do we read people?

I am not talking about some kind of superhero power mind reading, but the more we discussed this after dinner the more interesting it became.

When we engage with another human being, even in this medium [at least with people we care about here] we draw on our memories of what we have observed previously. We use the power of reason, observation; we intently collect information in our attempt to better understand the person we are engaging with.

It is a critical human skill; it is the way we make sense of other people. ”Mind reading” gives us the ability to negotiate, cooperate, compete, and have emotional closeness. It lets us know when we are being manipulated or seduced, fooled, appreciated, valued.

This is social intelligence. Do it well, you can get along and function, do it poorly and the consequences are serious, resulting in failed relationships, do it poorly and it incites violence.

There is uneasiness amongst BDSM groups/society/families/etc., all asking, how can we all get along?

How we can improve our ability to read others, even when others may not know their own minds?

.

My Response: **

Baby’s, along with children, adults and animals DO have certain sounds that mean certain things.  Once you KNOW what they mean and you hear them again, it is called calibration. The “knowing the ‘hunger’ cry and the ‘I’m wet’ cry” does happen. Similarly, when we greet others, we outstretch our right hand in hand shake or open our arms for a hug. These are “shared” expressions.  Although in the latter they are “greetings” the subjective meaning of each greeting is likely much different unless they are intimate and have openly discussed and agree on the shared meaning.  This is one of the things that occur in intimate relationships, much like they baby crying. Shared understanding is much different than mind reading. Interesting post… and I must disagree. Mind reading is not helpful at all, in fact, it is a linguistic violation: something taught to ‘watch for’ in dysfunctional relationships and yes, it happens commonly and all the time.

They Say: When we engage with another human being, even in this medium [at least with people we care about here] we draw on our memories of what we have observed previously.

I say: This is called projection. It is a psychological mechanism we use to project our memories onto those in our physical and ethereal worlds. It leads to less intimacy, less self-awareness and living in ‘pretend land’. I highly recommend against it!

They Say: We use the power of reason, observation; we intently collect information in our attempt to better understand the person we are engaging with.

I say: A remnant of chauvinistic thinking: why not use intuition? A felt sense? Or even, ask questions, become involved in meaningful and radically honest conversations?

They Say: It is a critical human skill; it is the way we make sense of other people. ”Mind reading” gives us the ability to negotiate, cooperate, compete, and have emotional closeness. It lets us know when we are being manipulated or seduced, fooled, appreciated, valued.

I Say: Mind reading does not: intuition, felt sense and SOMETIMES observing/hearing inconsistencies in story, word and/or deed.

They Ask: How we can improve our ability to read others, even when others may not know their own minds?

My Response: NOT! Let us improve in our abilities to communicate openly…to stop mind reading and ask questions, delve deeper into relationships. Stop the mind reading… share!

You call it social intelligence, I call it “making nice”… it is a thing I avoid most of the time, it is the kind of socializing that goes on at family events, neighborhood bbq’s and school gatherings. It’s a lot of adults standing around making conversation all for the sake of “making nice”… lots of talking all for the sake of sending the message: we like you, you like us, aren’t we all great together.’. A whole lot of ego stroking, identity confirming and social activity that reeks of surface relationships.

The value of really knowing another is a hallmark of intimacy… the less we live in our own head…well…the less we live in our own head and in the world “with” others.

.Here is a quote from the book “Soulcraft” that speaks to radical communication.

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Namaste Magnificent Soul

Jim

“James Hollis suggests that both the value and process of soulful romance rest in what he calls radical conversation, in which one intends, continuously, to discover more and ever more about oneself and the other.  Through such an exchange between two mysteries, one draws nearer to the central mystery of life.  Hollis lists three components to such a soul-to-soul encounter:

  1. The partners must assume responsibility for their own psychological well-being.
  2. They must commit to sharing the world of their own experience without reproaching the Other for past wounds or future expectations.  Similarly, they are to endeavor to hear, without feeling defensive, the experience of the Other.
  3. They must commit to sustaining such a dialogue over time…Only radical conversation, the full sharing of what it is like to be me while hearing what it is really like to be you, can fulfill the promise of an intimate relationship.  One can only engage in radical conversation if one has taken responsibility for oneself, has some self-awareness, and has the tensile strength to withstand a genuine encounter with the truly Other.

 

Loving the otherness of the partner is a transcendent event, for one enters the true mystery of relationship in which one is taken to the third place—not you plus me, but we who are more than ourselves with each other. .

Radical conversation has emotional, imaginal, sexual, and spiritual dimensions as well as verbal ones.  And the conversation is approached not only with skill and intent but with innocence and wonder.  Neither the other nor the self is a fixed thing.  The bottom is never reached. One hopes to be forever surprised.”

From: Soulcraft, pages 284-285

For a NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP™) reference to Mind Reading, see my article: Mind Reading

      A recent posting on the kinky social site “FetLife” spoke to the “Spiritual Nature” of a Master/slave relationship.  But isn’t it just about kinky sex?  About the fun? The adventure, daring and risk? 

NO!

Well, maybe sometimes…. for some of us, it IS just about the sex, the fun, the experimenting with others and with ourselves, our own light and dark shadows… And for many, it is part of our spiritual growth, our emotional growth, our particular expresssion of or developing into our authentic selves!

Well, that post on fetlife?  I responded and included the question/answer below in their entirety.

     So, “Is it just about the sex?”…. well, sometimes it is.  Fun is in fact a life lesson we all have!  That’s right, there’s two: Learning to have fun and learning to consciously create successs.  We all have those two… so SEX is part of FUN for many of us!!!  and there are others….

     There are other reasons we participate in “kink”; as well as other life lessons… I have included an article with two tools I use to help people to discover:

  • Their Life Purpose
  • Their Life Lessons
  • Their Souls Journey

WHY???? Beacause, I want to

  • Inform you
  • Awaken you
  • Challenge you
  • Invite you
  • Love you

Yes, because if You are living in alignment with your soul’s journey… then the world is simply a better place!

Soul Journey, Life Purpose and Life Lessons (vanilla newsletter format)

Please do forward this blog or the above link to those you care about… unless you’d rather they flounder!

Regarding that conversation… Everything I and we do is about our life purpose, our journey.  Sex, eating, sleeping…. how conscious we are of this is the only difference.  Here is the post from FetLife describing the ‘bigger picture’ of one particular M/s relationship.

Who are you, what do you do? (Introductions.)

8 months ago

This is the obligatory introduction thread. Here are some questions to get people started:

Who are you, and who is in your power dynamic with you? (If you don’t have one, what is your ideal?)

What is your spiritual path, and that of the other people in your power dynamic?

How do you relate spirituality to M/s or O/p? Give us a blurb.

-Raven Kaldera

SirJimBliss: 8 months ago

Greetings All!

I am Sir Jim (SirJimBliss) here on fet life. My slave is chela aka cupcake.

What is my spiritual path? A bit longer of an answer here and easier to speak about My soul journey first.

I an am Enneagram 2- the helper/caretaker…this speaks to my souls path. You can find more about soul path of a “2” here: Enneagram Type Two .

My largest lessons related to being a 2 have to do with honoring what I want, loving and being loved. My path of growth is related to developing Myself and setting an example for others—remembering to take pleasure in my existence and to esteem and value others.

On this soul path, in addition to the life lessons we all have of “Success” and “Fun”, there are several others for Me which include: Character/Integrity; Service; Love (a comprehensive understanding); Healing/Teaching and Spirituality—to deeply explore My relationship with God/Goddess All That Is.

My spiritual path is related in part to my soul’s journey: To Deeply explore My relationship with God/Goddess All That is.

AND…My Spirit is WILD! Let Me introduce Him: He enjoys FUN…adventure, exploration, learning, curiosity, more fun and pleasure from it all. Hedonistic? Somewhat… Wild and sometimes dangerous? Well, no danger for me or those I’m with, although the more faint of heart do sometimes cower at what I consider fun.

My spirit LOVES the tastes of life… it is why He decided to join with My Gentle Loving Soul… to come on down and party while journeying and learning our life lessons.

and that of the other people in your power dynamic?

cupcake is also an Enneagram type 2 Helper/Caretaker… some of her life lessons are similar to mine. There is much to be learned here about her path and life lessons as W/we journey together.

I relate Spirituality with M/s as part of My spiritual path as it fits with My role as Master. As a healthy type 2, I like to be the embodiment of the good parent that everyone wishes they had…to open others heart, soul and spirit just because mine are already open… to teach others to be more deeply and richly human. At the same time, I am here to enjoy the pleasures of life, to have all I want! To honor and value the desires I have while balancing these with the honor and integrity I afford others in My relationships.

To guide and teach others in the world is my life work. To guide and teach slaves and submissives in particular to honor their selves and their role is an honor which I hold sacred. When not acting in My official “Master” role I am also: a teacher, a healer, a counselor, a hypnotherapist, a personal coach, a magician, a husband, a father, a friend, a business owner, a lover, a martial artist and a metaphysical being becoming more magickal and powerful everyday.

Jack Rinella is one of my favorite BDSM/Leather writers.  here is a link to his article: Creating Relationships.

It is valuable criteria that all couples can use… what fantastic first steps!

http://leathermusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/creating-relationship.html

I was doing some reading  of one of my favorite BDSM authors, Jack Rinella. His new book “More from the Master” is excellent! I’m sure to comment on it again. In a chapter entitled “Daddies & Sirs” he speaks to an acceptance of others inherent in our BDSM culture that is the epitome of health in relationships.

 “And therein lays the beauty of Leather folk.  We don’t agree
  and don’t have to. We are free to explore our own relationships
  and define them as best suits us and our partners.” p. 109 

On the surface this sounds like any other two people, kinky or vanilla. Then notion of ‘being free’ is who we are as a people, its part of our being.  And it’s important to note here… it IS just a notion.

Free? Well, not so much.  What is considered “normal” in popular culture is really co-dependent. “Normal” marriages/families are beset with co-dependency, a denial of ‘self’, a denial of desires, and a tacit agreement to pretend there are no agreements. That’s right; we the kinky folk really do know how to do this relationship thing right…which doesn’t mean that we always do. 

Jack goes on: 

 “What matters is that the relationship between Dad/Mom and
  Son/Girl satisfies the men and women in that particular relationship.
  And it is just that: two people relating for the reasons personally
  defined and meaningful to their authentic selves.” Pp. 109-110

So not only are we more often much clearer in our defining of roles, power dynamics, communication, etc… AND…unlike more traditional/normal relationships, we are honoring ourselves. 

“So Jim, are you saying that in our popular culture It is more normal to NOT honor ourselves?”

Exactly.  You see, unlike our majority counterparts who have tacit agreements to not be intentional and conscious about their agreements… We are intentional; we are or at least work toward clarity in relationship.  We want to be clear about who has power, authority and control and when. We want to be clear about what we want personally and sexually, we strive for balance of self in relationship, talking after scenes or regularly to insure each person in the relationship is getting what they need… at least ideally.

We live among the majority, we have all been there. In that world I help men, women and families to move toward the kind of healthy dynamics that we in the BDSM community consider normal. Way to go folks!

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