Leather and Kink folks are some of the most authentic folks I know… it is a value inherent in so much of what we do in our BDSM world…what an honor to be among you.

What goes on behind closed doors is private… it speaks of trust, honesty and intimate sharing.

I recently presented at the “Behind Closed Doors” conference in Tucson AZ… The weather was fabulous, the hotel and staff were magnificent, and the people… The kinksters that gathered at the conference were beautiful, honest and authentic.

Now, you might wonder why I write about this… Our value and practice of honesty and authenticity is a value spoken of in our larger culture, yet covertly and overtly suppressed and NOT practiced… at least not to the level and degree that W/we do.

Examples:

1.  The Vanilla Networking Meeting: Images are up, personas are on. We are taught to reveal only so much of ourselves…rather, to reveal what we think others will be impressed with. Lots of handshaking, talk about business… authenticity is often left somewhere else. Jockeying for position, business and ego-supporting scripts in support of stories we learned as children.

2.  The Vanilla Marriage:  Often overtly monogamous and often covertly semi-monogamous; things like sex, physical pleasures, unusual interests are often ‘closeted’.  A mutually agreed upon co-dependence that supports the images we hope to be as husband/wife-man/woman.

3. The Kinksters Relationships… vis-a-vis Behind Closed Doors: An open sharing of who we are with each other; a dropping of images, of competition in lieu of authentic sharing, sometimes coupled with emotional, physical and spiritual connections.

At the end of the conference MasterZ spoke about authenticity.  He referred to the movie “Avatar”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll recall how the beings greet each other, they say: “I See You”.  The Avatar beings pause, look and ‘take in’ the experience of the other person, and then greet them with: “I See You”.

In our larger culture it is much more common to work at “not” being seen… which is unfortunate… so many bright lights dimmed.  Not us 🙂

 Let us keep lighting up our world with our authenticity, our honesty, our truth.  Celebrate who you are… You are better at being You than anyone else, Rock On!

 

www.BDSMcoach.com

Off W/we go to Arizona this weekend presenting “NLP 201-Other Than Conscious Control” at the Behind Closed Doors Conference. 

As a kinky coach I get many “how to” questions… many have to do with how to influence our partners, submissives and slaves. Influence, control… it is so much of what we do in this BDSM lifestyle… Tops/bottoms; Doms/subs; Masters/slaves…

Influence is easy…really.

     A key to ease in influence is #1 You… Your emotional state and skill levels. One cannot expect to ‘Master’ another until they have mastered their self. If You know what you want, and You are confident in your “dominance” then directing or commanding others will come natural.

Then there’s the Other Than Conscious Influence… that’s the skill part. Knowing that all behaviors are communication is part of it; training yourself to observe things like: breathing changes, body movements, skin color changes, eye movements and then Use these behaviors to influence…. without ever saying a word.  That’s some of that NLP stuff. And there’s more.

Then there’s the ability to influence with just a few words… to influence mood, attitude, thoughts, emotions and behavior… with just a few words…  just a few words.

This NLP stuff is really remarkable.  Here’s a link to Learn More about NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) training which includes a short video and a short introductory paper for you to learn more: “NLP-Just the Tip of the Iceburg”

 

Kinky…everyday living; is it 24/7?

I laughed recently when a kinky friend of mine said: “Well, I don’t live it 24/7 like you.” Funny because living day in and day out with a slave, one get’s used to things… a new “normal”  begins to settle. I had forgotten that having a slave is a bit different.

Yes, slavery is illegal. Some or many of you are familiar with the M/s dynamic, Master/slave. So when I refer to slave, please know that it is voluntary servitude…. slavery is illegal, and immoral.

I was surprised and taken aback by his statement: “I don’t live it 24/7”.  Well, where do these parts of you go? Are your dominant/submissive characteristics eliminated during daylight?   We all have certain ‘tendencies’ and these are context dependent…. so in some way, aren’t we always living ‘are stuff’ 24/7?

This may or may not be true of some other proclities or preferences: Bondage, extreme masochists, extreme sadists, spanker fetishes… these things may be harder to incorporate in your daily life.

But not so with our Dominent/Submissive characteristics. I’m a Master 24/7…it has to do with who I am and how I approach the world. I also submit, with full decision and consciousness depending on the context; tis part of “Mastering”.  W/we get to be great servants, Masters, Dominants and submissives in our daily lives… 24/7.  Well we get to if we embrace these other aspects of ourselves in our so-called normal lives.

Why not love your life just a bit more… embrace your preferences, experience even more joy.

Most of us have hobbies… among us kinky folks one of them is likely related to BDSM… Some people collect stamps, others knit or bead, some garden, while some of us collect “toys” or shoes, or weapons. To each their own, so to speak. My Recent Hobbies: Canes and Irish Martial Arts-specifically Bartitusu.

NOTE: if you want to skip the story and jump right into how to engage your passion, click here: “ENGAGE!”

For years I have enjoyed several ‘hobbies’ that have become part of a lifestyle. Eastern philosophy and healing; healthy eating/living; macrobiotics, body building, martial arts, etc… yes, bdsm and related items included. My most recent fascination is with a weapon called “The Shillelagh”, a 20 or so inch wooden club. From shillelagh I found blackthorn canes, then canes, then canes as weapons… then:

Bartitsu: The Lost Martial Art of Sherlock Holmes

Now it becomes even more fun… compounded and multiplied kind of fun because you see… I LOVE SHERLOCK HOLMES!!!! Why? Well, cuz I like myself so darn much! Sherlock: an insanely curious, eccentric, expert whose hobbies and interests directly coincide with his expertise of “detecting” in the world. My favorite Sherlock actor is Basil Rathbone; I’ve seen all his movies and of course, have the collected works of Arthur Conan Doyle.

Totally F******* Fun!

When I said I had Martial Arts interests, well, throughout my adult life I have trained well in: Tae Kwon Do, Shaolin Kung Fu, Full Contact Fighting (MMA), Hapkido, and Brazilian Ju Jitsu: Weapons: Pugal (USMC), nun-chuck (TKD) and Kali (Stick fighting).

So I find: Bartitsu: The Lost Martial Art of Sherlock Holmes
Required Equipment: A sturdy crook-handled walking stick or 36 inch dowel with any edges smoothed away; fencing mask or similar face/head protection. (Or…a caneJ)

In the year 1899, Edward William Barton-Wright founded Bartitsu as a process of cross-training between walking stick fighting, boxing, savate and jiujitsu. It was the first example of an eclectic self-defense system blending Asian and European combat styles, intended to beat hooligans and street gangsters at their own game.http://www.bartitsu.org/

Ok, I’ll say it again… HOW F*********** FUN!!!

There are particular elements of Living Passionately… you can engage yours…well, if you want to!

Wishing you all a great day! unless you have other plans..

Barititsu in Action vis-a-vis: the newest Sherlock Holmes movie!

      A recent posting on the kinky social site “FetLife” spoke to the “Spiritual Nature” of a Master/slave relationship.  But isn’t it just about kinky sex?  About the fun? The adventure, daring and risk? 

NO!

Well, maybe sometimes…. for some of us, it IS just about the sex, the fun, the experimenting with others and with ourselves, our own light and dark shadows… And for many, it is part of our spiritual growth, our emotional growth, our particular expresssion of or developing into our authentic selves!

Well, that post on fetlife?  I responded and included the question/answer below in their entirety.

     So, “Is it just about the sex?”…. well, sometimes it is.  Fun is in fact a life lesson we all have!  That’s right, there’s two: Learning to have fun and learning to consciously create successs.  We all have those two… so SEX is part of FUN for many of us!!!  and there are others….

     There are other reasons we participate in “kink”; as well as other life lessons… I have included an article with two tools I use to help people to discover:

  • Their Life Purpose
  • Their Life Lessons
  • Their Souls Journey

WHY???? Beacause, I want to

  • Inform you
  • Awaken you
  • Challenge you
  • Invite you
  • Love you

Yes, because if You are living in alignment with your soul’s journey… then the world is simply a better place!

Soul Journey, Life Purpose and Life Lessons (vanilla newsletter format)

Please do forward this blog or the above link to those you care about… unless you’d rather they flounder!

Regarding that conversation… Everything I and we do is about our life purpose, our journey.  Sex, eating, sleeping…. how conscious we are of this is the only difference.  Here is the post from FetLife describing the ‘bigger picture’ of one particular M/s relationship.

Who are you, what do you do? (Introductions.)

8 months ago

This is the obligatory introduction thread. Here are some questions to get people started:

Who are you, and who is in your power dynamic with you? (If you don’t have one, what is your ideal?)

What is your spiritual path, and that of the other people in your power dynamic?

How do you relate spirituality to M/s or O/p? Give us a blurb.

-Raven Kaldera

SirJimBliss: 8 months ago

Greetings All!

I am Sir Jim (SirJimBliss) here on fet life. My slave is chela aka cupcake.

What is my spiritual path? A bit longer of an answer here and easier to speak about My soul journey first.

I an am Enneagram 2- the helper/caretaker…this speaks to my souls path. You can find more about soul path of a “2” here: Enneagram Type Two .

My largest lessons related to being a 2 have to do with honoring what I want, loving and being loved. My path of growth is related to developing Myself and setting an example for others—remembering to take pleasure in my existence and to esteem and value others.

On this soul path, in addition to the life lessons we all have of “Success” and “Fun”, there are several others for Me which include: Character/Integrity; Service; Love (a comprehensive understanding); Healing/Teaching and Spirituality—to deeply explore My relationship with God/Goddess All That Is.

My spiritual path is related in part to my soul’s journey: To Deeply explore My relationship with God/Goddess All That is.

AND…My Spirit is WILD! Let Me introduce Him: He enjoys FUN…adventure, exploration, learning, curiosity, more fun and pleasure from it all. Hedonistic? Somewhat… Wild and sometimes dangerous? Well, no danger for me or those I’m with, although the more faint of heart do sometimes cower at what I consider fun.

My spirit LOVES the tastes of life… it is why He decided to join with My Gentle Loving Soul… to come on down and party while journeying and learning our life lessons.

and that of the other people in your power dynamic?

cupcake is also an Enneagram type 2 Helper/Caretaker… some of her life lessons are similar to mine. There is much to be learned here about her path and life lessons as W/we journey together.

I relate Spirituality with M/s as part of My spiritual path as it fits with My role as Master. As a healthy type 2, I like to be the embodiment of the good parent that everyone wishes they had…to open others heart, soul and spirit just because mine are already open… to teach others to be more deeply and richly human. At the same time, I am here to enjoy the pleasures of life, to have all I want! To honor and value the desires I have while balancing these with the honor and integrity I afford others in My relationships.

To guide and teach others in the world is my life work. To guide and teach slaves and submissives in particular to honor their selves and their role is an honor which I hold sacred. When not acting in My official “Master” role I am also: a teacher, a healer, a counselor, a hypnotherapist, a personal coach, a magician, a husband, a father, a friend, a business owner, a lover, a martial artist and a metaphysical being becoming more magickal and powerful everyday.

Hello fellow sadists and all other curious folks.

The emotional laden predjudice of words keep so many folks from expressing the magnificant parts of their selves. Sexually and personally “kinky” folks… folks who indulge in the BDSM lifestyle are much more open and inclined to embrace parts of their selves normally deamed “bad/wrong” by parents and society.

Despite the ‘labels’ of bad/wrong around sadism that exist today, multiple images and celebrities emerge and are held up as icons as a result of their sadist nature so vividly displayed on the silver screen… and in our living rooms.

It is incomprehensible that a nation and culture can celebrate sadistic hero’s yet popularly deny and wrong sadism and masochism as practices. Yet, there it is.

I’ve included a couple of my favorite sadistic torture scenes with a bit of narrative.  Enjoy…

Dirty Harry- Scorpio paid to get a beating… wanna play?

One of my two favorite scenes from Dirty Harry… The First:  “Do ya think  you’re luck punk…” and the scene above. 

Dirty Harry has been a cultural icon since  (or likely even before) the first “Dirty Harry” movie in 1971.  Toys, movies, gun replica sales, video games etc… sore worldwide. 

So what’s the facination with this tough guy who doesn’t like to follow the rules and get’s a non-chalant sadistic pleasure from his brutal job?

And what about Jack Bauer.  If you have any sadistic tendencies at all, watch the show 24.  In March of 2007 CNN ran a news story entitled: “Is Jack Bauer teaching torture to the U.S.”.  Human Rights organizations have fought to have “24” banned from television as a “Prime Time Torture Project”.  I’ve included an excellent torture scene provided by one of these organizations… Thanks 🙂

The show “24” ran over 8 seasons for 192 episodes and won 20 Emmy awards.  Popular??  VERY!! 

We sadists get a bad rap… go ahead, I dare ya, tell 10 of your ‘vanilla’ friends or business associates that you are a sadist… or to be safer, ask their thoughts on sadism… then: watch their emotional reaction/s, listen to them… do you  notice where it stirs them in uncomfortable places?  Well, if you are a sadist, you’ll like the show!

Enjoy the short clip, embrace your sadism… have some fun… With safe, sane and consensual permission of course.

Jack Bauer Tortures…it\’s just the way it is

I read and responded to this question on linked in**.(See Link and endnote friends). Perhaps at face surface, it seems like an innocent enough question…

But would you ask this question: “Is 13 years old too early to learn about shamanism?” No, because… it is an ‘acceptable’ topic and is WAY clear of that taboo topic most folks like to tip-toe around… you know the word when spoken in many gatherings will bring a blush, a giggle, a look away…

it’s SEX!!! Ha… you knew that already didn’t you.

You see, we wouldn’t ask… “Is 13 years old too early to learn about baking bread?”… but… when it comes to sex… well… reproduction? Check, that one’s ok. Organ functions, check, ok. Gender orientation… Oh no… why? Because of the parents own stuff, their own shadow.

There could be a myriad of topics of what to teach our children about sex and sexuality… BDSM, Gender Orientation, Roles…..Sex, Sexuality and Sexual expression etc… but of course, that would mean that the teachers (Mom, Dad, others) would need to answer many questions themselves, questions in most families that were taboo, or more aptly stated: Better left unsaid.

But not in our world… because in our world we DO talk about these things… we live them, embrace them in ourselves… again… Hoo Rah BDSM community… I celebrate our comfort with self and open communication.

So, “Is 13 years old too early to learn about….. ___________!” Really, you fill in the blank. Feeling some discomfort? Then peak behind you and introduce yourself to one of your own shadows… or simply ignore it and pass it on to those you love… you get to decide today.

**If you’re here now, your’e hear for a reason. So I’ll share some of my real identity- as part of a group of experts regarding Human Sexuality, among other things.

Jack Rinella is one of my favorite BDSM/Leather writers.  here is a link to his article: Creating Relationships.

It is valuable criteria that all couples can use… what fantastic first steps!

http://leathermusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/creating-relationship.html

I was doing some reading  of one of my favorite BDSM authors, Jack Rinella. His new book “More from the Master” is excellent! I’m sure to comment on it again. In a chapter entitled “Daddies & Sirs” he speaks to an acceptance of others inherent in our BDSM culture that is the epitome of health in relationships.

 “And therein lays the beauty of Leather folk.  We don’t agree
  and don’t have to. We are free to explore our own relationships
  and define them as best suits us and our partners.” p. 109 

On the surface this sounds like any other two people, kinky or vanilla. Then notion of ‘being free’ is who we are as a people, its part of our being.  And it’s important to note here… it IS just a notion.

Free? Well, not so much.  What is considered “normal” in popular culture is really co-dependent. “Normal” marriages/families are beset with co-dependency, a denial of ‘self’, a denial of desires, and a tacit agreement to pretend there are no agreements. That’s right; we the kinky folk really do know how to do this relationship thing right…which doesn’t mean that we always do. 

Jack goes on: 

 “What matters is that the relationship between Dad/Mom and
  Son/Girl satisfies the men and women in that particular relationship.
  And it is just that: two people relating for the reasons personally
  defined and meaningful to their authentic selves.” Pp. 109-110

So not only are we more often much clearer in our defining of roles, power dynamics, communication, etc… AND…unlike more traditional/normal relationships, we are honoring ourselves. 

“So Jim, are you saying that in our popular culture It is more normal to NOT honor ourselves?”

Exactly.  You see, unlike our majority counterparts who have tacit agreements to not be intentional and conscious about their agreements… We are intentional; we are or at least work toward clarity in relationship.  We want to be clear about who has power, authority and control and when. We want to be clear about what we want personally and sexually, we strive for balance of self in relationship, talking after scenes or regularly to insure each person in the relationship is getting what they need… at least ideally.

We live among the majority, we have all been there. In that world I help men, women and families to move toward the kind of healthy dynamics that we in the BDSM community consider normal. Way to go folks!

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