Off W/we go to Arizona this weekend presenting “NLP 201-Other Than Conscious Control” at the Behind Closed Doors Conference. 

As a kinky coach I get many “how to” questions… many have to do with how to influence our partners, submissives and slaves. Influence, control… it is so much of what we do in this BDSM lifestyle… Tops/bottoms; Doms/subs; Masters/slaves…

Influence is easy…really.

     A key to ease in influence is #1 You… Your emotional state and skill levels. One cannot expect to ‘Master’ another until they have mastered their self. If You know what you want, and You are confident in your “dominance” then directing or commanding others will come natural.

Then there’s the Other Than Conscious Influence… that’s the skill part. Knowing that all behaviors are communication is part of it; training yourself to observe things like: breathing changes, body movements, skin color changes, eye movements and then Use these behaviors to influence…. without ever saying a word.  That’s some of that NLP stuff. And there’s more.

Then there’s the ability to influence with just a few words… to influence mood, attitude, thoughts, emotions and behavior… with just a few words…  just a few words.

This NLP stuff is really remarkable.  Here’s a link to Learn More about NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) training which includes a short video and a short introductory paper for you to learn more: “NLP-Just the Tip of the Iceburg”


I read and responded to this question on linked in**.(See Link and endnote friends). Perhaps at face surface, it seems like an innocent enough question…

But would you ask this question: “Is 13 years old too early to learn about shamanism?” No, because… it is an ‘acceptable’ topic and is WAY clear of that taboo topic most folks like to tip-toe around… you know the word when spoken in many gatherings will bring a blush, a giggle, a look away…

it’s SEX!!! Ha… you knew that already didn’t you.

You see, we wouldn’t ask… “Is 13 years old too early to learn about baking bread?”… but… when it comes to sex… well… reproduction? Check, that one’s ok. Organ functions, check, ok. Gender orientation… Oh no… why? Because of the parents own stuff, their own shadow.

There could be a myriad of topics of what to teach our children about sex and sexuality… BDSM, Gender Orientation, Roles…..Sex, Sexuality and Sexual expression etc… but of course, that would mean that the teachers (Mom, Dad, others) would need to answer many questions themselves, questions in most families that were taboo, or more aptly stated: Better left unsaid.

But not in our world… because in our world we DO talk about these things… we live them, embrace them in ourselves… again… Hoo Rah BDSM community… I celebrate our comfort with self and open communication.

So, “Is 13 years old too early to learn about….. ___________!” Really, you fill in the blank. Feeling some discomfort? Then peak behind you and introduce yourself to one of your own shadows… or simply ignore it and pass it on to those you love… you get to decide today.

**If you’re here now, your’e hear for a reason. So I’ll share some of my real identity- as part of a group of experts regarding Human Sexuality, among other things.

“How could you!?” 

“You know that is wrong, you should do the right thing.”  

“You should think about your family!” 

 “Those are Not things adults do.”

     You’ve heard the admonishments, the warnings, the advice and direction about what You SHOULD do with your life… how you should live, who you should partner with and of course, how often you should call and visit.

      And it’s not just what you should be doing…it’s what you “Have” to do, “Must” do and “Can’t” do.  Now it was our parents job to guide us… up to a point.  And whether they were the ideal parents or psychotic maniacs, their job is done, period.  What that also means is the rest IS up to you. Hmmm….

     I started this blog this morning with the idea of introducing NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) to my kinky friends… and instead drifted off into the land of “Follow Your Desire”… no wonder, that’s where I go so often!  And this is an introduction to NLP, because the very “Shoulds”, “Have to’s”, etc… are actually LINGUISTIC LANGUAGE VIOLATIONS.

   Ok, so what the heck are Linguistic Language Violations?  They are violations in the speakers language that either delete, distort or generalize causing a “mis-perception” for the casual listener.  In this particular case, the “shoulds, have to’s, can’ts, etc…” are referred to as: Modal Operators of Necessity and Possibility”.  Here’s a short article I wrote a few years back which describes this phenomenon:

In other words: Garbage, Nonsense.  Should, Can’t, Have To… ACCORDING TO WHO?

     At 49 years old and with ton’s of education and training in the science of humans, I am still taken aback when folks have a notion of how I’m supposed to live.  They say: “Maybe you should…”…. and I turn them off, cock my head, look at them with wonder…curious as to why this other being has a dictate for how I should live?

Our Kink, Our sexuality is a HUGE place where not only the shoulds and have to’s show up… but they show up big….

Forget about them… ask yourself… what do you want… what feels good to you?  Then, with full integrity… go play!

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