Often times I respond to posts on Fetlife or Allexperts.com that deal with “How do we do this?”.  “How do we do this?” comes in so many different forms too!  Some of the questions I have gotten recently include:

  • How do we peg?
  • How do I have more sex on dates?
  • How can I help my wife to be more comfortable with my kink?
  • How do i serve my Master without resentment?
  • How can I get her to respond better?

And, the “How do we do this?” might be beginning kinky play as a couple, as this post is.  I include the original post and my response, for any of you who have a spouse how wants to play, and you love them enough to ask: “How do we do this?”  Because, “How do we do this ” is such a beautiful place to start… it speaks to desire, curiosity, interest. It speaks to hope and presupposes there ARE answers, there is a way.

My husband wants to play

Hi, I have been with my husband for 6 years. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I am way more vanilla than he is ( or would like me to be). This has been our big fight since we meet. We love each other that I know. But he is just so unhappy with this part of our life. We have tried to come up with things I am ok with, but when we do them it is never enough. I want him to be happy. I love him so much. He asked me to come up with things he can do with or without me. I know he wants to play with me more that without me. And. Want to also. I need more suggestions of what we can do. ( a bit racy and fun but still something I can do) please help!!!

SirJimBliss:

Hi ___________

Welcome and congrats for writing. I love hearing about couples searching for ways to make their relationship great!

Most often there is a dream behind what is wanted and the ‘never enough’ has more to do with the dreamer than the act. Here are a few questions that if your husband answers will help you move forward.

What was ‘not enough’? Enthusiasm? Were your reactions less then hoped for? What did you/he do right? What can you/he do differently or more of? Did you expect the first time or three to go ‘great’? How much room are you both allowing for discussion about how to make it right?

Have you asked him: “What would be great for you? (you mention that when you do things it is never enough. I don’t go for “enough”… I go for Great!).  Another question to ask him is: “What are the 5 things that turn you on the most?”.

Here is a link to a “Play Partner Checklist” that is a useful guide for couples.

Here is a link to my website www.BDSMcoach.com where there are many other resources.

Please do let Me know how it goes for you!

Jim

Leather and Kink folks are some of the most authentic folks I know… it is a value inherent in so much of what we do in our BDSM world…what an honor to be among you.

What goes on behind closed doors is private… it speaks of trust, honesty and intimate sharing.

I recently presented at the “Behind Closed Doors” conference in Tucson AZ… The weather was fabulous, the hotel and staff were magnificent, and the people… The kinksters that gathered at the conference were beautiful, honest and authentic.

Now, you might wonder why I write about this… Our value and practice of honesty and authenticity is a value spoken of in our larger culture, yet covertly and overtly suppressed and NOT practiced… at least not to the level and degree that W/we do.

Examples:

1.  The Vanilla Networking Meeting: Images are up, personas are on. We are taught to reveal only so much of ourselves…rather, to reveal what we think others will be impressed with. Lots of handshaking, talk about business… authenticity is often left somewhere else. Jockeying for position, business and ego-supporting scripts in support of stories we learned as children.

2.  The Vanilla Marriage:  Often overtly monogamous and often covertly semi-monogamous; things like sex, physical pleasures, unusual interests are often ‘closeted’.  A mutually agreed upon co-dependence that supports the images we hope to be as husband/wife-man/woman.

3. The Kinksters Relationships… vis-a-vis Behind Closed Doors: An open sharing of who we are with each other; a dropping of images, of competition in lieu of authentic sharing, sometimes coupled with emotional, physical and spiritual connections.

At the end of the conference MasterZ spoke about authenticity.  He referred to the movie “Avatar”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll recall how the beings greet each other, they say: “I See You”.  The Avatar beings pause, look and ‘take in’ the experience of the other person, and then greet them with: “I See You”.

In our larger culture it is much more common to work at “not” being seen… which is unfortunate… so many bright lights dimmed.  Not us 🙂

 Let us keep lighting up our world with our authenticity, our honesty, our truth.  Celebrate who you are… You are better at being You than anyone else, Rock On!

 

www.BDSMcoach.com

Recently I was the guest speaker on “The Deviant Minds Salon”… (download here) the title referred to such terms as Enneagram and NeuroLinguistic Programming and Kink… however, the bigger story, the bigger picture is about using available tools to build your relationships.

Lot’s of folks believe and act as if relationships ‘happen’… I hear phrases like: “It’s chemistry,” or “We fell in love on the second date,”… as well as “Our relationship fell apart,” and “We just don’t play together anymore.”

Yes, things happen.  But we are not rocks or billiard balls, we are humans. We have consciousness, we are writers, directors and actors of our worlds.   It is WE, US, each one of us who decides…

But if you never know you have a choice, do you really have one?

I believe that all of us make the best choices we possibly can give the information we have.  Whether it be money, dieting, or relationships, we are always deciding- consciously or not.

Historically dating and mating have left us with a rising 67% divorce rate. When we begin with what we want for ourselves, we can be conscious and find prospective dates and mates just as we would our ideal home or job. When we leave our relationship beginnings up to ‘chemistry’; when we allow our relationships to grow on automatic pilot, we eliminate our consciousness from our most important of relationships.

Is your relationship all you want it to be? If not, what if it was?

Are you seeking an honest, fulfilling relationship? Then start seeking with eyes wide open! Ask the hard questions right away, the one’s that matter to you. 

Don’t know where to start?  Start here: Building Lasting Relationships

Click Here For more on “NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP)”

Click Here for more on “The Enneagram”

Blessings Great People!

Sir Jim

Trust In Relationships

We learn to trust early in infancy; trusting we will be fed, diapers changed; that we will be kept comfortable and comforted. We learn to trust from our parents, our families and our teachers. We grow up and form relationships, in part all based on the level of trust we have learned from these fine folks. Eventually most of us marry.  We join with a partner, a husband or wife and build a partnership on trust. Or do we? 

Are we “building trust” or building walls with those most important to us?

Statistics will tell us walls are being built, and wars have been waged. Our society has a 67%+ divorce rate.  It is more common or “normal” to divorce than to stay married!  As a society we are not building trust in our most important of relationships…And Why not? because most folks just haven’t learned how.

In his newest book: “The Science of Trust-Emotional Attunement for Couples[i]” John Gottman Ph.D. reveals the “how” of trusting as well as the many subtle forms of betrayal that go on in relationship…  

From his book: “A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual protection, and mutual nurturance.” (The Science of Trust: p 350)

Dr. Gottman has spent the last 30 years researching ‘couples’. He has developed a theory of marital discord and happiness and with great accuracy can predict divorce or a happy marriage!  Quite simply this remarkable research has led to the development of simple tools that work. There is a science of trust and there are specific components that are inherent in trust, trusting and being trustworthy.

In the article that follows I will share the components of trust and how to build trust. I will also share from Gottman’s “The Science of Trust” the 12 specific ways (other than sexual infidelity) that betrayal shows up in relationships.

You have the opportunity to build love and intimacy instead of walls and wars. You, how you are and what you do matters!  And, as you may already know, loving always works better.  

Trust is the deliberate and delicate balance between hope, belief and reliance.[ii] We are always trusting ourselves and others: sometimes poorly, sometimes adequately and sometimes magnificently! It is the hinge to love,

 

caring and intimacy. Trust cannot be nurtured in a relationship beset with betrayal.

Trust like love, is a verb. When we trust we ‘rely’ on something or someone we are trusting. When we can be relied upon we are being trustworthy. The action of relying upon is inherent in ‘trusting’; we are or we are not ‘trusting’ at some level.

Here are the 4 Components of Trust[iii].

  1. 1.    There must be a beneficial and a harmful result possible.  When we ‘risk’ trusting we are hoping for a potentially beneficial outcome over the possibility of a harmful result. If you tell a friend a secret, the hope is that you can trust your friend to keep the secret rather than to reveal it. If you form a business partnership or marry there is the possibility of beneficial or harmful results.
  2. 2.    The result of risking and trusting depends upon the future.   Whether it is a friend keeping a secret, a partner keeping an agreement or fidelity in marriage, the outcomes are in the future.
  3. 3.    The harm must be potentially more harmful than the benefit is beneficial. Why does this matter?  It has to do with the emotional payoff involved!  When we bet on a horse or play the lottery the belief that we will win is much lower. If we bet $5.00, we are only out $5.00, there is very little risk.

When we are involved in a business venture or are in a marriage there are multiple levels and contexts where trust or walls are built. In business and marriage our livelihood and well-being are “at stake” and “on the line”. We have large emotional, physical, financial and other investments in the outcome. When we share a secret with a friend we are risking more if the secret is revealed than if it is not, and the ‘trust’ is more limited to this specific context.

  1. 4.    We honestly expect the benefit to occur. At a horserace or lottery we would like to win, we might hope to win, yet for most of us that is where it stops. We don’t actually “believe” we will win! When we trust, we have hope with the belief that we can rely on the person or thing to produce the result we want. If it is a business venture then the amount of ‘trust’ we have may have to do with our business abilities accepting a certain amount of risk involved.

 

Specifically for Married Folks

In a marriage the issue of trust is multi-faceted. Some agreements are made consciously while many agreements are made covertly and left unspoken until broken. We learn in our marriages to rely partners in some areas, and not in others: housecleaning, finances, children, future planning, emotional support, sexual satisfaction, and more. Clear agreements are made openly, verbally stated and discussed; they can be agreed upon. Most often each spouse has unspoken beliefs and expectations of how things ‘should be’. They “think” these things are agreed upon as “common sense”. These agreements are only revealed when these unspoken agreements are broken, and one partner feels betrayed.

Gottman’ s research shows how these ‘agreements’ that go on in marriage will indicate trust levels by measuring interactional patterns.  The research also shows great accuracy in predicting potential success in coaching or therapy as well as whether a couple will stay together or divorce. It’s NOT just the ‘big’ betrayals that matter: infidelity, lying, emotional or physical abuse. The results of study after study show that the biggest indicator of a lasting marriage is: The perception of trust in the relationship.

There are many ways that we can actively build trust and love in relationship. Gottman recommends a 5:1 ratio (nice to neutral and “non-nice” interaction to insure of a healthy relationship. I have written elsewhere with ways to do so. (See article: Love is a Verb)

I’ll end the article today with Gottman’s list of 12 ways that partners betray each other in relationship. It is my hope that if you recognize these types of betrayal in your relationship, you can do something to change it… and live happily ever after.

Yes, sleeping around is a big way to ruin a committed relationship but there are others that are as devastating. Gottman has identified 12 more, here they are.

Twelve Ways (Other than Sexual Infidelity) to Betray Your Partner[iv]:

  1. Violations of commitment. Your commitment is conditional, and some part of you is still waiting for someone better to come along. You may check out other people, flirt, or in other ways suggest you are still available. Illness, arguments, money issues, distance (travel, work)…when the going gets tough you consider going.
  2. Betrayals of emotional exclusivity. Flirtations or secret emotional attachments.
  3. Secrets, lies, deceptions. These include lies of omission, deceptions, and violations of confidence, broken promises, and inconsistencies.
  4. Coalitions against your partner. You form coalitions that hurt or exclude your partner, talk negatively behind their back, etc.
  5. Disinterest. You are disinterested in or rejecting of your partner’s thoughts, feelings or inner life.
  6. Unfairness or lack of care. Resources, time and responsibilities are not shared equally, and partners do not offer emotional support or understanding. They are not “there” for one another.
  7. Betrayal of affection. Coldness, unresponsiveness.
  8. Lack of sexual interest. Ignoring your partner’s need for sexual intimacy, physical closeness and touch.
  9. Abuse. Social isolation, sexual degradation, humiliation, belittling, threats, property damage, physical abuse.
  10. Disrespect. Partners do not cherish each other, express pride, and complement each other. Instead, thy ridicule, denigrate, mock, use sarcasm, contempt.
  11. Not meeting each other’s needs. (Copied verbatim from p 352): A relationship is about legitimating dependency upon each other. Partners violate the principle that they should try to meet each other’s essential needs cooperatively and honestly. This involves agreeing to emotional presence, openness, emotional availability, and responsiveness to the partner. They do not agree, or act as if they do not agree, that the relationship will entail sacrifice at times, putting one’s partner’s needs or the family’s needs ahead of one’s own.
  12. Breaking sacred promises and vows.

 

Brutal? Yes sometimes.

Is it happening in your relationship? In the relationship of close friend?

 If you recognize some of these various ways spouses/partners betray each other, then ouch and good! Recognition is the first step toward change.

 Acknowledge that something is wrong, talk with your beloved then change! Unless of course you’re building those walls before the final battle; intimacy feels so much better!

It’s not easy, not at all. If you are like so many other couples and just need a bit of guidance please contact me. I offer free sample sessions. Here is a testimonial from a fine woman who DID contact me for a free session last year (2010)

“I want to tell you that you were invaluable to me during a very tough time last year. We only spoke on the phone as an intro, but I will be forever grateful for your words to me that day Jim. You helped set me on a very good path. Thank you! Cindy”

Call 847-748-8006 or write Jim@BDSMcoach.com today, I can help you get started; your marriage is worth your time and energy.

 “A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual protection, and mutual nurturance.” (The Science of Trust: p 350)

Enjoy building Trust. Here are other sources for you to help you identify less than healthy patterns in your life. I have written elsewhere about the subtle signs of emotional abuse, lethal patterns that can ruin relationship and how we learn them (Normal? Socialization, Domestication and Consensus Hypnosis & Co-Dependency-Our Social Disease)  Blessings.


[i] The Science of Trust, John Gottman, Ph.D

[ii] Quoted Directly from Lazaris audio download: “Synergy of Trust” www.lazaris.com

[iii] ibid

[iv] The Science of Trust, John Gottman, Ph.D

            One of the ways I meet new people and potential playmates, dates and more, is to cruise the list of attendee’s and potential attendees first or the groups of interest I belong to. Then, when I find a person or three of interest, I seek them out, introduce myself, and well, and then we’re past the screening.  It’s really much the same as the “sales funnel” concept.  You start with a larger number of people, and as your ‘hot prospects’ get hotter, they move from the top of the funnel to the bottom.

            So on a particular evening I may browse 50 names…that’s different that 50 profiles… I start with those I’m looking for! Subs, slaves, attractive playmates, potential friends. 50 possibilities just turned into 15…that was fast.

So I’ve picked 15 candidates, I read their profiles, maybe some of their writings.  I screen based on preference.  15 have just turned into 7 possible candidates. Normally I read all (or much) of these 7’s profile, browsed their pictures, their writings and have ‘screened’ them through their presentation of self via their writing, through the particular lenses of my preferences. When I see words for me that are red flags: switch, brat, seeking man under 30, man of color, etc…

**Really, why move forward at all if one doesn’t even meet the most basic of criteria!  Opt out, move on!!!!  Really, the ground work beforehand will save you much embarrassment.**

Writing:

            More often than not I write the person before a meeting. I include a greeting, my general sentiments of interest and then What Specifically about them or their writing appealed to me…and why!  Too often I hear of folks greeting others with:

            “Hey, I saw your profile, you are hot, and would you like to chat?”

Or lacking even more sentiment:

            “slave I demand you write Me and submit”…

Right… If I had a dollar for the number of complaints I hear about such greetings…..

OK….

            I’ve done my homework, reviewed folks. I’ve sent the ‘mail’. Sometimes, I get a response. In the last 7 I sent, I got 3 responses. Average for me. Two people are a bit distant, one is local. More screening.  The 50 original candidates are now down to 3.

            Reading responses, gathering information. One person agrees to send pictures and disappears from existence.  (That leaves 2 candidates) One person continues to write, we are still getting to know each other. The local person, a slave seeking a Master writes a mish-mosh of things back that are a bit hazy. I’ll share a bit of that below. To stay in the flow, there is now only 1 candidate left, 3 hours away.  I’m hoping conversation will continue and open to the possibility they will not.

            So, with 1 candidate, and my enjoyment of cruising and connecting, I’m sure I’ll be on for another round of meeting play partners, lovers and friends! In other words: screen, screen, screen…repeat.

Continued screening:

            Email conversations/phone conversations: another vital aspect of screening.

Slave candidate picks 2 points from my profile and suggests because they are my preferences we are not a good match.

Ok… I have been known to be a bit of a social autistic, and I do allow for a “what the fuck are ya stupid” trigger. Her response elicited both…how fun. She also adds this, now keep in mind, this is a slave writing:

 

You’re very forthright in your approach and appear interested in individuals seeking a trainer or those desiring some form of instruction, which is in opposition to what I desire

Now this comment hit my “are you fucking serious” trigger.

Do you know any slave that does not desire instruction? To be trained in their Master’s desires?

So, I asked her: are you serious?

her response:

While my demeanor is restrained and noticeably polite, I believe it is fairly clear that I’m seeking something altogether different than what you’re offering at present. I wish you much success in your pursuits. Have a pleasant day.

My response:

restrained and polite may be fairly clear for many… as a linguistic savant, fairly clear is always a bit hazy 😉

Totally clear always works, thank you…

I too wish you success in your pursuits.

This is an example of 2 flags, the first- “restrained and polite”… to me, this means beating around the bush, being vague, not taking responsibility for your position and hoping the other person gets your message ‘nicely”. Nice is nice, polite is polite, honest is honest, and honest with respect is clear, not hazy.

Another communication issue helping to halt the search process nice and early.

Potential sub/slave: Maybe I could visit Chicago for a couple of days before I depart, Sir?

Me: You say: “Maybe I could visit Chicago for a couple of days before I depart, Sir?”

Maybe you could. I say: Yes, make your plans; I want you to visit Chicago for a couple of days before you depart. give Me a few date/range options for your travel and stay.

prior to that we will correspond a bit more via email, then talk.

I ended with giving him some basic directions.

Potential sub/slave: Maybe I could Many thanks for your response, Sir.

I was thinking of a weekend later in …(deleted for identity protection) I shall check rates for a couple of feasible weekends and get back to you, Sir.

I appreciate your direct manner, Sir. Very much and I look forward to getting to know you better.

We corresponded some, then he dropped out of site. Then he wrote with some variation about wanting to try to come, I challenged him:

ME: slave boy….Notice the difference in your two sentences:

First:

“I shall check rates for a couple of feasible weekends and get back to you, Sir.”

Second:

“I’m still trying to see if time/money will permit me to visit Chicago later in January.”

The first is definitive… the second is wavering…

So… I imagine: you checked rates… you either can or can’t afford it, let’s not kid each other. Time/dates- how much time do you really need to fly here?

Sir Jim

Potential sub/slave  This is a big turn off. Best of luck to you, Sir.

AND GOOD THING!!!

This slave is turned off by being confronted on his wavering verbiage and backed off.  VERY GOOD!!! 

            So you see, ruling people out, or them ruling you out, really does help you to get closer to what you are truly seeking… and that’s what you really want!

Jack Rinella is one of my favorite BDSM/Leather writers.  here is a link to his article: Creating Relationships.

It is valuable criteria that all couples can use… what fantastic first steps!

http://leathermusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/creating-relationship.html

Are You Kink Friendly? Do you celebrate personal choice, sexual freedom and alternative relationships? Do you want to reach your people in the BDSM and kinky market places?

Together we are building a community of BDSM, Kink friendly professionals, one person at a time. Please join, generous soul.

Do you want to reach more customers or clients? Are you “Kink Friendly”?

If so, please contact me.  I want to offer “link exchanges” with other professionals who enjoy and celebrate sexuality, kink and alternative relationships.

Today is building the website day… putting together pictures, links, resources.  Adding some final touches to the initial pages…and again… What Fun!!!!  And… I want to include all the local Chicago resources to begin with. Now, my bid to you to join.  Later, a more formal email or call the those I have included to do some “mutual linking” of websites and resources.

So Much Fun! The building, the unbridled freedom, reckless abandon and just plain juicy fun. What’s your workday going to be like?

Let us work together to bring our work to the folks who need it!

Again: If you provide services, resources or want to market to the BDSM community please contact me.

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Welcome, We Need a BDSM Coach!

Now kinky people can get the help they need! Personal relationship coaching specializing in BDSM, Kinky and alternative relationships. I’ve been helping men, women and couples to live a life they love, to embrace their desires, to communicate in relationship and to create clear agreements that allow love to flourish.

About a year ago I attended a class at the Leather Rose Association in Chicago entitled: “Finding a Kink Aware Professional”.  The speaker did a good job, directing folks to KAP websites, sharing what to look for, questions to ask.  She had no names, no live Professionals to refer the people in the class to.

On Fetlife I witnessed thread after thread addressing the same question: “Where can I find a kink aware professional in my area?” California, Texas, Oregon, Michigan, etc… the same questions, the same thread.

Sometimes the Universe needs to hit us really hard and loud in order for us to get the message; and it was apparent – here in Chicago, and around the country, there is an outcry for an expert helping professional who embraces the concepts, principles and lifestyle so common in BDSM… that’s me, the Kinky Coach!

I’ve been helping my clients to achieve miraculous results for over 28 years. My credentials, background and experience in the “vanilla” world can be found on my vanilla website here. And now, I want to work with you and those you love who are… well, kinky!

Help me to honor them… send them a link to my website: www.bdsmcoach.com

They’ll thank you!

Sir Jim Bliss

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