Often times I respond to posts on Fetlife or Allexperts.com that deal with “How do we do this?”.  “How do we do this?” comes in so many different forms too!  Some of the questions I have gotten recently include:

  • How do we peg?
  • How do I have more sex on dates?
  • How can I help my wife to be more comfortable with my kink?
  • How do i serve my Master without resentment?
  • How can I get her to respond better?

And, the ”How do we do this?” might be beginning kinky play as a couple, as this post is.  I include the original post and my response, for any of you who have a spouse how wants to play, and you love them enough to ask: “How do we do this?”  Because, “How do we do this ” is such a beautiful place to start… it speaks to desire, curiosity, interest. It speaks to hope and presupposes there ARE answers, there is a way.

My husband wants to play

Hi, I have been with my husband for 6 years. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I am way more vanilla than he is ( or would like me to be). This has been our big fight since we meet. We love each other that I know. But he is just so unhappy with this part of our life. We have tried to come up with things I am ok with, but when we do them it is never enough. I want him to be happy. I love him so much. He asked me to come up with things he can do with or without me. I know he wants to play with me more that without me. And. Want to also. I need more suggestions of what we can do. ( a bit racy and fun but still something I can do) please help!!!

SirJimBliss:

Hi ___________

Welcome and congrats for writing. I love hearing about couples searching for ways to make their relationship great!

Most often there is a dream behind what is wanted and the ‘never enough’ has more to do with the dreamer than the act. Here are a few questions that if your husband answers will help you move forward.

What was ‘not enough’? Enthusiasm? Were your reactions less then hoped for? What did you/he do right? What can you/he do differently or more of? Did you expect the first time or three to go ‘great’? How much room are you both allowing for discussion about how to make it right?

Have you asked him: “What would be great for you? (you mention that when you do things it is never enough. I don’t go for “enough”… I go for Great!).  Another question to ask him is: “What are the 5 things that turn you on the most?”.

Here is a link to a “Play Partner Checklist” that is a useful guide for couples.

Here is a link to my website www.BDSMcoach.com where there are many other resources.

Please do let Me know how it goes for you!

Jim

Leather and Kink folks are some of the most authentic folks I know… it is a value inherent in so much of what we do in our BDSM world…what an honor to be among you.

What goes on behind closed doors is private… it speaks of trust, honesty and intimate sharing.

I recently presented at the “Behind Closed Doors” conference in Tucson AZ… The weather was fabulous, the hotel and staff were magnificent, and the people… The kinksters that gathered at the conference were beautiful, honest and authentic.

Now, you might wonder why I write about this… Our value and practice of honesty and authenticity is a value spoken of in our larger culture, yet covertly and overtly suppressed and NOT practiced… at least not to the level and degree that W/we do.

Examples:

1.  The Vanilla Networking Meeting: Images are up, personas are on. We are taught to reveal only so much of ourselves…rather, to reveal what we think others will be impressed with. Lots of handshaking, talk about business… authenticity is often left somewhere else. Jockeying for position, business and ego-supporting scripts in support of stories we learned as children.

2.  The Vanilla Marriage:  Often overtly monogamous and often covertly semi-monogamous; things like sex, physical pleasures, unusual interests are often ‘closeted’.  A mutually agreed upon co-dependence that supports the images we hope to be as husband/wife-man/woman.

3. The Kinksters Relationships… vis-a-vis Behind Closed Doors: An open sharing of who we are with each other; a dropping of images, of competition in lieu of authentic sharing, sometimes coupled with emotional, physical and spiritual connections.

At the end of the conference MasterZ spoke about authenticity.  He referred to the movie “Avatar”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll recall how the beings greet each other, they say: “I See You”.  The Avatar beings pause, look and ‘take in’ the experience of the other person, and then greet them with: “I See You”.

In our larger culture it is much more common to work at “not” being seen… which is unfortunate… so many bright lights dimmed.  Not us :)

 Let us keep lighting up our world with our authenticity, our honesty, our truth.  Celebrate who you are… You are better at being You than anyone else, Rock On!

 

www.BDSMcoach.com

Kinky…everyday living; is it 24/7?

I laughed recently when a kinky friend of mine said: “Well, I don’t live it 24/7 like you.” Funny because living day in and day out with a slave, one get’s used to things… a new “normal”  begins to settle. I had forgotten that having a slave is a bit different.

Yes, slavery is illegal. Some or many of you are familiar with the M/s dynamic, Master/slave. So when I refer to slave, please know that it is voluntary servitude…. slavery is illegal, and immoral.

I was surprised and taken aback by his statement: “I don’t live it 24/7″.  Well, where do these parts of you go? Are your dominant/submissive characteristics eliminated during daylight?   We all have certain ‘tendencies’ and these are context dependent…. so in some way, aren’t we always living ‘are stuff’ 24/7?

This may or may not be true of some other proclities or preferences: Bondage, extreme masochists, extreme sadists, spanker fetishes… these things may be harder to incorporate in your daily life.

But not so with our Dominent/Submissive characteristics. I’m a Master 24/7…it has to do with who I am and how I approach the world. I also submit, with full decision and consciousness depending on the context; tis part of “Mastering”.  W/we get to be great servants, Masters, Dominants and submissives in our daily lives… 24/7.  Well we get to if we embrace these other aspects of ourselves in our so-called normal lives.

Why not love your life just a bit more… embrace your preferences, experience even more joy.

      A recent posting on the kinky social site “FetLife” spoke to the ”Spiritual Nature” of a Master/slave relationship.  But isn’t it just about kinky sex?  About the fun? The adventure, daring and risk? 

NO!

Well, maybe sometimes…. for some of us, it IS just about the sex, the fun, the experimenting with others and with ourselves, our own light and dark shadows… And for many, it is part of our spiritual growth, our emotional growth, our particular expresssion of or developing into our authentic selves!

Well, that post on fetlife?  I responded and included the question/answer below in their entirety.

     So, ”Is it just about the sex?”…. well, sometimes it is.  Fun is in fact a life lesson we all have!  That’s right, there’s two: Learning to have fun and learning to consciously create successs.  We all have those two… so SEX is part of FUN for many of us!!!  and there are others….

     There are other reasons we participate in “kink”; as well as other life lessons… I have included an article with two tools I use to help people to discover:

  • Their Life Purpose
  • Their Life Lessons
  • Their Souls Journey

WHY???? Beacause, I want to

  • Inform you
  • Awaken you
  • Challenge you
  • Invite you
  • Love you

Yes, because if You are living in alignment with your soul’s journey… then the world is simply a better place!

Soul Journey, Life Purpose and Life Lessons (vanilla newsletter format)

Please do forward this blog or the above link to those you care about… unless you’d rather they flounder!

Regarding that conversation… Everything I and we do is about our life purpose, our journey.  Sex, eating, sleeping…. how conscious we are of this is the only difference.  Here is the post from FetLife describing the ‘bigger picture’ of one particular M/s relationship.

Who are you, what do you do? (Introductions.)

8 months ago

This is the obligatory introduction thread. Here are some questions to get people started:

Who are you, and who is in your power dynamic with you? (If you don’t have one, what is your ideal?)

What is your spiritual path, and that of the other people in your power dynamic?

How do you relate spirituality to M/s or O/p? Give us a blurb.

-Raven Kaldera

SirJimBliss: 8 months ago

Greetings All!

I am Sir Jim (SirJimBliss) here on fet life. My slave is chela aka cupcake.

What is my spiritual path? A bit longer of an answer here and easier to speak about My soul journey first.

I an am Enneagram 2- the helper/caretaker…this speaks to my souls path. You can find more about soul path of a “2” here: Enneagram Type Two .

My largest lessons related to being a 2 have to do with honoring what I want, loving and being loved. My path of growth is related to developing Myself and setting an example for others—remembering to take pleasure in my existence and to esteem and value others.

On this soul path, in addition to the life lessons we all have of “Success” and “Fun”, there are several others for Me which include: Character/Integrity; Service; Love (a comprehensive understanding); Healing/Teaching and Spirituality—to deeply explore My relationship with God/Goddess All That Is.

My spiritual path is related in part to my soul’s journey: To Deeply explore My relationship with God/Goddess All That is.

AND…My Spirit is WILD! Let Me introduce Him: He enjoys FUN…adventure, exploration, learning, curiosity, more fun and pleasure from it all. Hedonistic? Somewhat… Wild and sometimes dangerous? Well, no danger for me or those I’m with, although the more faint of heart do sometimes cower at what I consider fun.

My spirit LOVES the tastes of life… it is why He decided to join with My Gentle Loving Soul… to come on down and party while journeying and learning our life lessons.

and that of the other people in your power dynamic?

cupcake is also an Enneagram type 2 Helper/Caretaker… some of her life lessons are similar to mine. There is much to be learned here about her path and life lessons as W/we journey together.

I relate Spirituality with M/s as part of My spiritual path as it fits with My role as Master. As a healthy type 2, I like to be the embodiment of the good parent that everyone wishes they had…to open others heart, soul and spirit just because mine are already open… to teach others to be more deeply and richly human. At the same time, I am here to enjoy the pleasures of life, to have all I want! To honor and value the desires I have while balancing these with the honor and integrity I afford others in My relationships.

To guide and teach others in the world is my life work. To guide and teach slaves and submissives in particular to honor their selves and their role is an honor which I hold sacred. When not acting in My official “Master” role I am also: a teacher, a healer, a counselor, a hypnotherapist, a personal coach, a magician, a husband, a father, a friend, a business owner, a lover, a martial artist and a metaphysical being becoming more magickal and powerful everyday.

Hello fellow sadists and all other curious folks.

The emotional laden predjudice of words keep so many folks from expressing the magnificant parts of their selves. Sexually and personally “kinky” folks… folks who indulge in the BDSM lifestyle are much more open and inclined to embrace parts of their selves normally deamed “bad/wrong” by parents and society.

Despite the ‘labels’ of bad/wrong around sadism that exist today, multiple images and celebrities emerge and are held up as icons as a result of their sadist nature so vividly displayed on the silver screen… and in our living rooms.

It is incomprehensible that a nation and culture can celebrate sadistic hero’s yet popularly deny and wrong sadism and masochism as practices. Yet, there it is.

I’ve included a couple of my favorite sadistic torture scenes with a bit of narrative.  Enjoy…

Dirty Harry- Scorpio paid to get a beating… wanna play?

One of my two favorite scenes from Dirty Harry… The First:  “Do ya think  you’re luck punk…” and the scene above. 

Dirty Harry has been a cultural icon since  (or likely even before) the first “Dirty Harry” movie in 1971.  Toys, movies, gun replica sales, video games etc… sore worldwide. 

So what’s the facination with this tough guy who doesn’t like to follow the rules and get’s a non-chalant sadistic pleasure from his brutal job?

And what about Jack Bauer.  If you have any sadistic tendencies at all, watch the show 24.  In March of 2007 CNN ran a news story entitled: “Is Jack Bauer teaching torture to the U.S.”.  Human Rights organizations have fought to have “24″ banned from television as a “Prime Time Torture Project”.  I’ve included an excellent torture scene provided by one of these organizations… Thanks :)

The show “24″ ran over 8 seasons for 192 episodes and won 20 Emmy awards.  Popular??  VERY!! 

We sadists get a bad rap… go ahead, I dare ya, tell 10 of your ‘vanilla’ friends or business associates that you are a sadist… or to be safer, ask their thoughts on sadism… then: watch their emotional reaction/s, listen to them… do you  notice where it stirs them in uncomfortable places?  Well, if you are a sadist, you’ll like the show!

Enjoy the short clip, embrace your sadism… have some fun… With safe, sane and consensual permission of course.

Jack Bauer Tortures…it\’s just the way it is

I read and responded to this question on linked in**.(See Link and endnote friends). Perhaps at face surface, it seems like an innocent enough question…

But would you ask this question: “Is 13 years old too early to learn about shamanism?” No, because… it is an ‘acceptable’ topic and is WAY clear of that taboo topic most folks like to tip-toe around… you know the word when spoken in many gatherings will bring a blush, a giggle, a look away…

it’s SEX!!! Ha… you knew that already didn’t you.

You see, we wouldn’t ask… “Is 13 years old too early to learn about baking bread?”… but… when it comes to sex… well… reproduction? Check, that one’s ok. Organ functions, check, ok. Gender orientation… Oh no… why? Because of the parents own stuff, their own shadow.

There could be a myriad of topics of what to teach our children about sex and sexuality… BDSM, Gender Orientation, Roles…..Sex, Sexuality and Sexual expression etc… but of course, that would mean that the teachers (Mom, Dad, others) would need to answer many questions themselves, questions in most families that were taboo, or more aptly stated: Better left unsaid.

But not in our world… because in our world we DO talk about these things… we live them, embrace them in ourselves… again… Hoo Rah BDSM community… I celebrate our comfort with self and open communication.

So, “Is 13 years old too early to learn about….. ___________!” Really, you fill in the blank. Feeling some discomfort? Then peak behind you and introduce yourself to one of your own shadows… or simply ignore it and pass it on to those you love… you get to decide today.

**If you’re here now, your’e hear for a reason. So I’ll share some of my real identity- as part of a group of experts regarding Human Sexuality, among other things.

“How could you!?” 

“You know that is wrong, you should do the right thing.”  

“You should think about your family!” 

 ”Those are Not things adults do.”

     You’ve heard the admonishments, the warnings, the advice and direction about what You SHOULD do with your life… how you should live, who you should partner with and of course, how often you should call and visit.

      And it’s not just what you should be doing…it’s what you “Have” to do, “Must” do and ”Can’t” do.  Now it was our parents job to guide us… up to a point.  And whether they were the ideal parents or psychotic maniacs, their job is done, period.  What that also means is the rest IS up to you. Hmmm….

     I started this blog this morning with the idea of introducing NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) to my kinky friends… and instead drifted off into the land of “Follow Your Desire”… no wonder, that’s where I go so often!  And this is an introduction to NLP, because the very “Shoulds”, “Have to’s”, etc… are actually LINGUISTIC LANGUAGE VIOLATIONS.

   Ok, so what the heck are Linguistic Language Violations?  They are violations in the speakers language that either delete, distort or generalize causing a “mis-perception” for the casual listener.  In this particular case, the “shoulds, have to’s, can’ts, etc…” are referred to as: Modal Operators of Necessity and Possibility”.  Here’s a short article I wrote a few years back which describes this phenomenon:  http://www.trulyhumancoaching.com/neurolinguistic_programming_articles/np_cant_should_and_other_modal_operators.pdf

In other words: Garbage, Nonsense.  Should, Can’t, Have To… ACCORDING TO WHO?

     At 49 years old and with ton’s of education and training in the science of humans, I am still taken aback when folks have a notion of how I’m supposed to live.  They say: “Maybe you should…”…. and I turn them off, cock my head, look at them with wonder…curious as to why this other being has a dictate for how I should live?

Our Kink, Our sexuality is a HUGE place where not only the shoulds and have to’s show up… but they show up big….

Forget about them… ask yourself… what do you want… what feels good to you?  Then, with full integrity… go play!

I was doing some reading  of one of my favorite BDSM authors, Jack Rinella. His new book “More from the Master” is excellent! I’m sure to comment on it again. In a chapter entitled “Daddies & Sirs” he speaks to an acceptance of others inherent in our BDSM culture that is the epitome of health in relationships.

 “And therein lays the beauty of Leather folk.  We don’t agree
  and don’t have to. We are free to explore our own relationships
  and define them as best suits us and our partners.” p. 109 

On the surface this sounds like any other two people, kinky or vanilla. Then notion of ‘being free’ is who we are as a people, its part of our being.  And it’s important to note here… it IS just a notion.

Free? Well, not so much.  What is considered “normal” in popular culture is really co-dependent. “Normal” marriages/families are beset with co-dependency, a denial of ‘self’, a denial of desires, and a tacit agreement to pretend there are no agreements. That’s right; we the kinky folk really do know how to do this relationship thing right…which doesn’t mean that we always do. 

Jack goes on: 

 “What matters is that the relationship between Dad/Mom and
  Son/Girl satisfies the men and women in that particular relationship.
  And it is just that: two people relating for the reasons personally
  defined and meaningful to their authentic selves.” Pp. 109-110

So not only are we more often much clearer in our defining of roles, power dynamics, communication, etc… AND…unlike more traditional/normal relationships, we are honoring ourselves. 

“So Jim, are you saying that in our popular culture It is more normal to NOT honor ourselves?”

Exactly.  You see, unlike our majority counterparts who have tacit agreements to not be intentional and conscious about their agreements… We are intentional; we are or at least work toward clarity in relationship.  We want to be clear about who has power, authority and control and when. We want to be clear about what we want personally and sexually, we strive for balance of self in relationship, talking after scenes or regularly to insure each person in the relationship is getting what they need… at least ideally.

We live among the majority, we have all been there. In that world I help men, women and families to move toward the kind of healthy dynamics that we in the BDSM community consider normal. Way to go folks!

Are You Kink Friendly? Do you celebrate personal choice, sexual freedom and alternative relationships? Do you want to reach your people in the BDSM and kinky market places?

Together we are building a community of BDSM, Kink friendly professionals, one person at a time. Please join, generous soul.

Do you want to reach more customers or clients? Are you “Kink Friendly”?

If so, please contact me.  I want to offer “link exchanges” with other professionals who enjoy and celebrate sexuality, kink and alternative relationships.

Today is building the website day… putting together pictures, links, resources.  Adding some final touches to the initial pages…and again… What Fun!!!!  And… I want to include all the local Chicago resources to begin with. Now, my bid to you to join.  Later, a more formal email or call the those I have included to do some “mutual linking” of websites and resources.

So Much Fun! The building, the unbridled freedom, reckless abandon and just plain juicy fun. What’s your workday going to be like?

Let us work together to bring our work to the folks who need it!

Again: If you provide services, resources or want to market to the BDSM community please contact me.

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