Leather and Kink folks are some of the most authentic folks I know… it is a value inherent in so much of what we do in our BDSM world…what an honor to be among you.

What goes on behind closed doors is private… it speaks of trust, honesty and intimate sharing.

I recently presented at the “Behind Closed Doors” conference in Tucson AZ… The weather was fabulous, the hotel and staff were magnificent, and the people… The kinksters that gathered at the conference were beautiful, honest and authentic.

Now, you might wonder why I write about this… Our value and practice of honesty and authenticity is a value spoken of in our larger culture, yet covertly and overtly suppressed and NOT practiced… at least not to the level and degree that W/we do.

Examples:

1.  The Vanilla Networking Meeting: Images are up, personas are on. We are taught to reveal only so much of ourselves…rather, to reveal what we think others will be impressed with. Lots of handshaking, talk about business… authenticity is often left somewhere else. Jockeying for position, business and ego-supporting scripts in support of stories we learned as children.

2.  The Vanilla Marriage:  Often overtly monogamous and often covertly semi-monogamous; things like sex, physical pleasures, unusual interests are often ‘closeted’.  A mutually agreed upon co-dependence that supports the images we hope to be as husband/wife-man/woman.

3. The Kinksters Relationships… vis-a-vis Behind Closed Doors: An open sharing of who we are with each other; a dropping of images, of competition in lieu of authentic sharing, sometimes coupled with emotional, physical and spiritual connections.

At the end of the conference MasterZ spoke about authenticity.  He referred to the movie “Avatar”… if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll recall how the beings greet each other, they say: “I See You”.  The Avatar beings pause, look and ‘take in’ the experience of the other person, and then greet them with: “I See You”.

In our larger culture it is much more common to work at “not” being seen… which is unfortunate… so many bright lights dimmed.  Not us 🙂

 Let us keep lighting up our world with our authenticity, our honesty, our truth.  Celebrate who you are… You are better at being You than anyone else, Rock On!

 

www.BDSMcoach.com

Off W/we go to Arizona this weekend presenting “NLP 201-Other Than Conscious Control” at the Behind Closed Doors Conference. 

As a kinky coach I get many “how to” questions… many have to do with how to influence our partners, submissives and slaves. Influence, control… it is so much of what we do in this BDSM lifestyle… Tops/bottoms; Doms/subs; Masters/slaves…

Influence is easy…really.

     A key to ease in influence is #1 You… Your emotional state and skill levels. One cannot expect to ‘Master’ another until they have mastered their self. If You know what you want, and You are confident in your “dominance” then directing or commanding others will come natural.

Then there’s the Other Than Conscious Influence… that’s the skill part. Knowing that all behaviors are communication is part of it; training yourself to observe things like: breathing changes, body movements, skin color changes, eye movements and then Use these behaviors to influence…. without ever saying a word.  That’s some of that NLP stuff. And there’s more.

Then there’s the ability to influence with just a few words… to influence mood, attitude, thoughts, emotions and behavior… with just a few words…  just a few words.

This NLP stuff is really remarkable.  Here’s a link to Learn More about NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) training which includes a short video and a short introductory paper for you to learn more: “NLP-Just the Tip of the Iceburg”

 

Recently I was the guest speaker on “The Deviant Minds Salon”… (download here) the title referred to such terms as Enneagram and NeuroLinguistic Programming and Kink… however, the bigger story, the bigger picture is about using available tools to build your relationships.

Lot’s of folks believe and act as if relationships ‘happen’… I hear phrases like: “It’s chemistry,” or “We fell in love on the second date,”… as well as “Our relationship fell apart,” and “We just don’t play together anymore.”

Yes, things happen.  But we are not rocks or billiard balls, we are humans. We have consciousness, we are writers, directors and actors of our worlds.   It is WE, US, each one of us who decides…

But if you never know you have a choice, do you really have one?

I believe that all of us make the best choices we possibly can give the information we have.  Whether it be money, dieting, or relationships, we are always deciding- consciously or not.

Historically dating and mating have left us with a rising 67% divorce rate. When we begin with what we want for ourselves, we can be conscious and find prospective dates and mates just as we would our ideal home or job. When we leave our relationship beginnings up to ‘chemistry’; when we allow our relationships to grow on automatic pilot, we eliminate our consciousness from our most important of relationships.

Is your relationship all you want it to be? If not, what if it was?

Are you seeking an honest, fulfilling relationship? Then start seeking with eyes wide open! Ask the hard questions right away, the one’s that matter to you. 

Don’t know where to start?  Start here: Building Lasting Relationships

Click Here For more on “NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP)”

Click Here for more on “The Enneagram”

Blessings Great People!

Sir Jim

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!   

No, we really can't read each others minds

            I read a post today on Fetlife that suggested we improve our ability to ‘read others’, that it is the crux of social cooperation and emotional closeness. I was stunned.

I mean no offense to those of you who believe this. Instead, I offer you a perspective that will lead to true intimacy. Honest communication. Radically honest communication.

            To be honest to the point of transparency; to communicate our wants and needs; to understand others in our life and truly ‘know’ them, we must communicate, we must talk, we must ask questions, share hard truths, and yes, sometimes the others in our lives feel hurt, pain, sadness.  The honoring of them, of ourselves and our  relationship demands that we are honest, and that we hold those in our lives as creative, resourceful and whole. We do not need to protect them, we need to include them and be honest, open and learn trust. Anything else is simply a degree of co-dependency.

Many of us have been raised to believe it is never right to be part of hurting another persons feelings. In some ways I agree.  It is RARELY right to intentionally hurt someone else (let’s remember, some folks like it or in rare occasions, we need to physically protect ourselves). Yet, in those most heated of moments, we feel hurt, anger; we lash out at those closest to us. One way to avoid this, is to STOP mindreading and enjoy honest conversation.

Here is the Fetlife post and my response:

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Mind reading

I was watching TV with *my friend this evening. The baby cried and she said “I know what he is thinking and what he needs.” Oh yea, how do you know? My friend told me that he has different cries for different needs. Hmmm, I have never noticed.

With a baby it is relatively simple. If he ate two hours ago he is probably hungry again but how do we read people?

I am not talking about some kind of superhero power mind reading, but the more we discussed this after dinner the more interesting it became.

When we engage with another human being, even in this medium [at least with people we care about here] we draw on our memories of what we have observed previously. We use the power of reason, observation; we intently collect information in our attempt to better understand the person we are engaging with.

It is a critical human skill; it is the way we make sense of other people. ”Mind reading” gives us the ability to negotiate, cooperate, compete, and have emotional closeness. It lets us know when we are being manipulated or seduced, fooled, appreciated, valued.

This is social intelligence. Do it well, you can get along and function, do it poorly and the consequences are serious, resulting in failed relationships, do it poorly and it incites violence.

There is uneasiness amongst BDSM groups/society/families/etc., all asking, how can we all get along?

How we can improve our ability to read others, even when others may not know their own minds?

.

My Response: **

Baby’s, along with children, adults and animals DO have certain sounds that mean certain things.  Once you KNOW what they mean and you hear them again, it is called calibration. The “knowing the ‘hunger’ cry and the ‘I’m wet’ cry” does happen. Similarly, when we greet others, we outstretch our right hand in hand shake or open our arms for a hug. These are “shared” expressions.  Although in the latter they are “greetings” the subjective meaning of each greeting is likely much different unless they are intimate and have openly discussed and agree on the shared meaning.  This is one of the things that occur in intimate relationships, much like they baby crying. Shared understanding is much different than mind reading. Interesting post… and I must disagree. Mind reading is not helpful at all, in fact, it is a linguistic violation: something taught to ‘watch for’ in dysfunctional relationships and yes, it happens commonly and all the time.

They Say: When we engage with another human being, even in this medium [at least with people we care about here] we draw on our memories of what we have observed previously.

I say: This is called projection. It is a psychological mechanism we use to project our memories onto those in our physical and ethereal worlds. It leads to less intimacy, less self-awareness and living in ‘pretend land’. I highly recommend against it!

They Say: We use the power of reason, observation; we intently collect information in our attempt to better understand the person we are engaging with.

I say: A remnant of chauvinistic thinking: why not use intuition? A felt sense? Or even, ask questions, become involved in meaningful and radically honest conversations?

They Say: It is a critical human skill; it is the way we make sense of other people. ”Mind reading” gives us the ability to negotiate, cooperate, compete, and have emotional closeness. It lets us know when we are being manipulated or seduced, fooled, appreciated, valued.

I Say: Mind reading does not: intuition, felt sense and SOMETIMES observing/hearing inconsistencies in story, word and/or deed.

They Ask: How we can improve our ability to read others, even when others may not know their own minds?

My Response: NOT! Let us improve in our abilities to communicate openly…to stop mind reading and ask questions, delve deeper into relationships. Stop the mind reading… share!

You call it social intelligence, I call it “making nice”… it is a thing I avoid most of the time, it is the kind of socializing that goes on at family events, neighborhood bbq’s and school gatherings. It’s a lot of adults standing around making conversation all for the sake of “making nice”… lots of talking all for the sake of sending the message: we like you, you like us, aren’t we all great together.’. A whole lot of ego stroking, identity confirming and social activity that reeks of surface relationships.

The value of really knowing another is a hallmark of intimacy… the less we live in our own head…well…the less we live in our own head and in the world “with” others.

.Here is a quote from the book “Soulcraft” that speaks to radical communication.

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Namaste Magnificent Soul

Jim

“James Hollis suggests that both the value and process of soulful romance rest in what he calls radical conversation, in which one intends, continuously, to discover more and ever more about oneself and the other.  Through such an exchange between two mysteries, one draws nearer to the central mystery of life.  Hollis lists three components to such a soul-to-soul encounter:

  1. The partners must assume responsibility for their own psychological well-being.
  2. They must commit to sharing the world of their own experience without reproaching the Other for past wounds or future expectations.  Similarly, they are to endeavor to hear, without feeling defensive, the experience of the Other.
  3. They must commit to sustaining such a dialogue over time…Only radical conversation, the full sharing of what it is like to be me while hearing what it is really like to be you, can fulfill the promise of an intimate relationship.  One can only engage in radical conversation if one has taken responsibility for oneself, has some self-awareness, and has the tensile strength to withstand a genuine encounter with the truly Other.

 

Loving the otherness of the partner is a transcendent event, for one enters the true mystery of relationship in which one is taken to the third place—not you plus me, but we who are more than ourselves with each other. .

Radical conversation has emotional, imaginal, sexual, and spiritual dimensions as well as verbal ones.  And the conversation is approached not only with skill and intent but with innocence and wonder.  Neither the other nor the self is a fixed thing.  The bottom is never reached. One hopes to be forever surprised.”

From: Soulcraft, pages 284-285

For a NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP™) reference to Mind Reading, see my article: Mind Reading

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